And Then There Were Two
Yesterday was a bad day. Probably one of the worst in my life. As you can guess, I did not receive good news.
Went for my ultrasound at lunchtime, where after a very painful exam they told me that a doctor wouldn't be in to see me and to call my specialist at his office once I left the hospital. The techs at the hospital weren't allowed to say anything but said the doctor that had read my ultrasound results was faxing a report to my doctor.
We left the hospital and while the husband was driving I called my doctor's office to get the results. But, to my dismay, the office that is never closed, was indeed closed on the day when I needed them to be open the most.
I promptly hung up my phone, burst into tears, and called my mom to tell her that I still didn't know what was going on. The husband (understandably) freaked out a little and was very upset that the doctor at the hospital didn't just tell me what was going on, as did I.
Anyways, he dropped me back off at work and drove home. When I walked into my office, of course everyone was waiting to hear what the news was (this was just in the production office - not the whole company), and I burst into tears again with the first person I talked to.
I managed to calm myself down and get to my desk and do a couple of things. Then the phone rang and the husband told me that when he got home there was a message on the machine from another doctor at my specialist's office asking me to call him.
I did, and that's when he told me the news. The baby in my uterous had dissolved back into my uterine lining and I had a definite ectopic in my left fallopian tube. He told me I had to go back to the hospital I had just come from and go to emergency and they would give me a medication that would "disolve the baby."
I said okay, hung up the phone, called the husband to come and pick me up again, called my mom to tell her (who was very calm until the last 30 seconds of the conversation when she completely lost it and I couldn't even understand her), hung up with her, told the woman I share my office with what was going on, went and told my boss, cleaned up my desk, sent a couple emails, then went downstairs where the husband was waiting. I got in the car, closed the door and started sobbing.
We drove to the ER, where I experienced 5 of the worst hours of my life. From the second I walked in the hospital I was very calm, let them weigh and measure me, take blood, explain what the medication would do, then explain that since I am rh negative, my body had already begun to build up antibodies to any future children I might become pregnant with, and so I would need another medication now to destroy these antibodies to avoid my body trying to kill any future children.
I don't know how, but I stayed remarkably calm through everything. Even when they lost my chart and forgot about me. Then spelled my last name incorrectly and had to get the blood bank to make a special trip to the ER to fix my paperwork. Then when they ordered me the wrong amount of medication. Then when they had a shift change and 3 doctors and 2 nurses stood two feet from me and discussed what I was doing there like I didn't even exist. Then when I had to be ushered behind a curtain to I could receive a shot in each ass cheek of the medication that would terminate the pregnancy. Then when they realized that no one had started an IV line so that I could receive the other medication. Then when I had to sit there and let the nurse stick me and wiggle the needle around in my arm because they couldn't find my vein - turns out I was dehydrated because I hadn't had anything to eat or drink in 8 hours.
But then, when I was walking out to the car in the -30 temperatures and saw my husband and got in the warm car, I lost it. I had a complete and total meltdown, pretty much all the way home.
Since then I have gone from giggling with my husband over silly things, to bursting into huge, gulping sob fests and back again. The medication they gave me is making me nauseous but other than that I'm okay. There is quite a bit of pressure in my abdomen but they told me that would be normal.
The husband and I are doing the best we can to reassure each other - and the thing is, I know we will be okay. But all I can think about is that I am this terrible person, this selfish person that has medicine coursing through her that is intended to kill her unborn baby. I know that's a horrible thing to say, because the other option is that I let the baby keep growing and risk death for myself. I just keep thinking that this baby already had a heartbeat, and that it was created from my husband and I, and what kind of a person must I be to do this?
Silly thoughts, I really do know that, but at this moment they are very prominent in my mind. I have more tests tomorrow to make sure that the medicine is doing what it should. Then if it's okay to travel we're going to head to Ontario to stay with our parents for the weekend. All I want is my family, my house, and no city.
I'm sorry for being such a downer, but I know some of you have been worried.
The husband and I will both be fine, it'll just take a little while.
Take care of yourselves and I'll be back to write on Monday.