Tuesday, April 06, 2010


Much like my split personality star sign of a Gemini, I often feel like two different people. Sure, sometimes it's in my mood, changing from happy to sad, or from content to forlorn in a split second - I'm a pro at that - but sometimes it's like I literally am more than one person.

It's sort of about that country girl/city girl mentality I suppose.

When I'm in the city, I long for the country. I miss the silence that surrounds me there, I miss being totally at ease, knowing that I don't have to be in a hurry to do anything. I miss the comfort of knowing that my parents are close by, that my best friend's parents are across the street, that the majority of my family are near should I need them. I miss that simplicity. I truly feel like myself there. I can think, relax and just be.

But then there is that other part of me, the part that longs for the hustle and bustle of the city. That clings to the idea that if I just keep working my ass off, I can actually be somebody, maybe actually make a difference some way or somehow. I always told myself that I was destined for enormous, unbelievable things. Maybe not famous and in the public eye, but well known somehow, and eventually with money, so that I could use what I had to make a difference in other people's lives. My problem is that I don't know how to DO that.

And so I go back and forth.

Loving the simplicity of being what I am - a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend. Working hard at a job that I like, writing when I can, and being a country girl at heart.

But then craving something more. Wanting to push myself, force myself not to be afraid, to go after what I really want - to just DO it already.

Then, just as I decide one way or the other, to be happy with what I have, or to push myself for more, my other self will rear its head. Make me doubt what an hour before I was so sure of. And so I'm stuck in this limbo. Both knowing exactly who I am, yet having no idea who the real me is.

I feel like a crazy person half the time, and I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way.