Thursday, November 30, 2006

And Then There Were Two

Thank you all for all your comments and prayers, I just cannot explain to you all how much they mean to me.

Yesterday was a bad day. Probably one of the worst in my life. As you can guess, I did not receive good news.
Went for my ultrasound at lunchtime, where after a very painful exam they told me that a doctor wouldn't be in to see me and to call my specialist at his office once I left the hospital. The techs at the hospital weren't allowed to say anything but said the doctor that had read my ultrasound results was faxing a report to my doctor.
We left the hospital and while the husband was driving I called my doctor's office to get the results. But, to my dismay, the office that is never closed, was indeed closed on the day when I needed them to be open the most.
I promptly hung up my phone, burst into tears, and called my mom to tell her that I still didn't know what was going on. The husband (understandably) freaked out a little and was very upset that the doctor at the hospital didn't just tell me what was going on, as did I.
Anyways, he dropped me back off at work and drove home. When I walked into my office, of course everyone was waiting to hear what the news was (this was just in the production office - not the whole company), and I burst into tears again with the first person I talked to.
I managed to calm myself down and get to my desk and do a couple of things. Then the phone rang and the husband told me that when he got home there was a message on the machine from another doctor at my specialist's office asking me to call him.
I did, and that's when he told me the news. The baby in my uterous had dissolved back into my uterine lining and I had a definite ectopic in my left fallopian tube. He told me I had to go back to the hospital I had just come from and go to emergency and they would give me a medication that would "disolve the baby."
I said okay, hung up the phone, called the husband to come and pick me up again, called my mom to tell her (who was very calm until the last 30 seconds of the conversation when she completely lost it and I couldn't even understand her), hung up with her, told the woman I share my office with what was going on, went and told my boss, cleaned up my desk, sent a couple emails, then went downstairs where the husband was waiting. I got in the car, closed the door and started sobbing.
We drove to the ER, where I experienced 5 of the worst hours of my life. From the second I walked in the hospital I was very calm, let them weigh and measure me, take blood, explain what the medication would do, then explain that since I am rh negative, my body had already begun to build up antibodies to any future children I might become pregnant with, and so I would need another medication now to destroy these antibodies to avoid my body trying to kill any future children.
I don't know how, but I stayed remarkably calm through everything. Even when they lost my chart and forgot about me. Then spelled my last name incorrectly and had to get the blood bank to make a special trip to the ER to fix my paperwork. Then when they ordered me the wrong amount of medication. Then when they had a shift change and 3 doctors and 2 nurses stood two feet from me and discussed what I was doing there like I didn't even exist. Then when I had to be ushered behind a curtain to I could receive a shot in each ass cheek of the medication that would terminate the pregnancy. Then when they realized that no one had started an IV line so that I could receive the other medication. Then when I had to sit there and let the nurse stick me and wiggle the needle around in my arm because they couldn't find my vein - turns out I was dehydrated because I hadn't had anything to eat or drink in 8 hours.
But then, when I was walking out to the car in the -30 temperatures and saw my husband and got in the warm car, I lost it. I had a complete and total meltdown, pretty much all the way home.
Since then I have gone from giggling with my husband over silly things, to bursting into huge, gulping sob fests and back again. The medication they gave me is making me nauseous but other than that I'm okay. There is quite a bit of pressure in my abdomen but they told me that would be normal.
The husband and I are doing the best we can to reassure each other - and the thing is, I know we will be okay. But all I can think about is that I am this terrible person, this selfish person that has medicine coursing through her that is intended to kill her unborn baby. I know that's a horrible thing to say, because the other option is that I let the baby keep growing and risk death for myself. I just keep thinking that this baby already had a heartbeat, and that it was created from my husband and I, and what kind of a person must I be to do this?
Silly thoughts, I really do know that, but at this moment they are very prominent in my mind. I have more tests tomorrow to make sure that the medicine is doing what it should. Then if it's okay to travel we're going to head to Ontario to stay with our parents for the weekend. All I want is my family, my house, and no city.
I'm sorry for being such a downer, but I know some of you have been worried.
The husband and I will both be fine, it'll just take a little while.
Take care of yourselves and I'll be back to write on Monday.


Blogger Amos said...

Ali, I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. And to be honest I am just going to be a little bold and all out type a prayer for you right here and now.

Father God, you are the creator of life, and I pray right now for comfort in Ali and her husband's life, and a peace that passes all understanding. Let it be known to her that this life is not gone forever but will be waiting for her in eternity with you. Lord, I pray for total and complete healing in her body right now, emotional and physical and for her husband emotionally too. Lord, this life was created, and I ask you to bring upon Ali another healthy and happy pregnancy in the future. Your Word tells us that you created us to be a mother of children and I proclaim that upon Ali right now in your name, that She IS a mother of children; happy, healthy children. I come against the feeling of defeat, anger, depression, times of feeling lost and I pray that you will help her to lift her head high and look to you for her strength. Lord I thank you that you bless her and her husband with joy, now and in the future. I ask all of these things be done in your precious Name. Amen.

Ali, I know that I don't really know you, but my heart just goes out to you and know that I love you and will continually lift you up in prayer!

11:25 PM  
Blogger James said...

Ali, I am so sorry to hear your bad news. Don't feel bad about the medication, those ectopic pregnancies can be really risky and it would probably wreck your chances of conceiving again maybe. Those doctors and nurses though....they are something else. Maybe they get to forget that they are treating human beings with feelings and not just biological machines that have gone wrong.

11:50 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

Amos, I have no words but thank you. I'm still crying from the beautiful prayer you wrote - what a wonderful person you are.
James, thank you for your kind words as well. And you're right, now that I've kind of snapped out of it, I'm a little ticked at everything that happened at the hospital. I'm just glad that I talked them out of making me go back down there for my tests tomorrow. They're letting me go to a smaller clinic.

12:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ali, being the typical guy, I don't really know what to say -but this is my attempt :)

I am sorry to hear about the news - and the crappy doctors - and the crappy experience, but just remember... as cheesey at this sounds; there is always blue sky after the rain.

6:01 AM  
Blogger j.k.a said...

oh ali, I've been so worried about you!

I'm so sorry about the everything, and I hate that you have to go through this. my heart literally broke as I was reading your post. though I can't imagine how you feel, I do know how it is to have the medical people be callous and act as though you're not even involved. ( or forget about you!)

Please know that both my hubby and I will be keeping both of you in our prayers, and (((((big hug)))).

9:08 AM  
Blogger Logziella said...

My heart is truely broken! I am SO incredibly sorry for your loss and the ordeal that you went thru. I cannot believe how you wre treated at that hospital...where is the compassion? That was truely cruel how they kept you hanging like that with what was going on and then to treat you the way they did at the hospital was horrible. I SO badly wish I could hug you right now! Amos said it all in her prayer...that is my prayer too! Maybe I can shed a little bit of light or something positive to focus DID conceive! It happened and it can and will happen again. PLEASE don't feel guilty in the least bit about taking the medicine. You did the right thing Ali! And I am so glad that James added what he did. Please don't forget that you did the right thing!
I love you girl...go and relax and be with your family right now.

9:56 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

Wow, thanks again to you all. Even though I start crying again everytime I read a new comment, I am so thankful that you wrote them.
With all of you reassuring me that I did the right thing I can feel a little less guilty and a little more content.
I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, no worries for me, and I might even pop in for an update from the land of dial-up.

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Words can't express the compassion that Gigi and I have for you and Chris. You have been, and will continue to be in our prayers. Take great comfort in the prayer offered by Amos.

We love you.


6:20 AM  

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