Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Heavy

Much like my split personality star sign of a Gemini, I often feel like two different people. Sure, sometimes it's in my mood, changing from happy to sad, or from content to forlorn in a split second - I'm a pro at that - but sometimes it's like I literally am more than one person.

It's sort of about that country girl/city girl mentality I suppose.

When I'm in the city, I long for the country. I miss the silence that surrounds me there, I miss being totally at ease, knowing that I don't have to be in a hurry to do anything. I miss the comfort of knowing that my parents are close by, that my best friend's parents are across the street, that the majority of my family are near should I need them. I miss that simplicity. I truly feel like myself there. I can think, relax and just be.

But then there is that other part of me, the part that longs for the hustle and bustle of the city. That clings to the idea that if I just keep working my ass off, I can actually be somebody, maybe actually make a difference some way or somehow. I always told myself that I was destined for enormous, unbelievable things. Maybe not famous and in the public eye, but well known somehow, and eventually with money, so that I could use what I had to make a difference in other people's lives. My problem is that I don't know how to DO that.

And so I go back and forth.

Loving the simplicity of being what I am - a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend. Working hard at a job that I like, writing when I can, and being a country girl at heart.

But then craving something more. Wanting to push myself, force myself not to be afraid, to go after what I really want - to just DO it already.

Then, just as I decide one way or the other, to be happy with what I have, or to push myself for more, my other self will rear its head. Make me doubt what an hour before I was so sure of. And so I'm stuck in this limbo. Both knowing exactly who I am, yet having no idea who the real me is.

I feel like a crazy person half the time, and I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way.

16 Comments:

Blogger Rock Chef said...

I do find long term projects hard to stick to, my determination to finish something often wears out 3/4 of the way there - but you are talking a whole different level here, aren't you?

Maybe you need to have a showdown between the 2 sides - loser shuts up? No, that wouldn't work, a good woman never shuts up :-)

11:16 AM  
Blogger Rock Chef said...

PS Yes, you can write my CV for me!

11:17 AM  
Blogger Kevin said...

I can relate fully to this! The only things in life that have ever really given me satisfaction have been creative, performing types if things... Acting, singing, writing. There is a part of me that really wants to do these things for a living, but there is an even bigger part of me that doubts my abilities to do so. This is who and what I want to be and yet I'm unable to make it happen.

I go through the same back and forth in a lit of other ways too. Feeling sure of myself and my ability to do or be something and then in almost a blink of an eye I'm equally sure I can't do or be that thing.

I hope you're not looking for a revelation here, cause I can't give you one, but no, you are not the only one!

2:12 PM  
Blogger Wreggie said...

Part of being a woman. I remember before my sex change...no. Just kidding.

6:48 AM  
Blogger James said...

Hi Ali,

Trying to be scientific here.
I used to be married to a Gemini. Now I am married to a Sagitarius. They both changed their mind just as much in ways inexplicable to me and usually without warning me beforehand.
However the sex is much better with my Sagitarius.

12:59 AM  
Blogger Rock Chef said...

James - but I have heard that sex with a Gemini is more like a 3-some ;-)

4:39 AM  
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美人劫-上

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6:45 PM  
Blogger Farida said...

lol! trust me there are... and youa re perfectly normal... i am even more crazy i am... and although i am not married... yet dying to marry this one man... who i feel is my only hope if marriage is concerned... i do silently worry wat if... i after marrying him and having kids... still feel a part of me running away... out of home... like i always have... and wat if i am unable to stick myself to my family's side... when i am too bored.. and wat ever is exciting is out there...and i am the only one who finds it exciting and i wud hate to be in that place... so i feel... although i never told him this... i knew it somehow got displayed...now i dont even know if i love him... and can sacrifice my freedom for him... but i so wish i can... or else i will be homeless for ever a wanderer and he seems to be my only hope for gainings tability...:) lol... but even he thinks its not such a good idea... even he loves his freedom too much... my problem is i do think i am ready to give up mine to have him by my side...so trust me this feeling to be where u r and not to be anywhere else but there... is a hard thing for a gemini... but a lot of things wat we usually do fdoenst need us to be physically out and abt... being lazy... we do a thousand things in our minds... and no one even gets to know abt them... and with internet and ph... we can change worlds of ppl around us... and without needing to leave the comfort of our homes... so keep on the excitement... we are here to do big things... if not physically mentally:)

A troubled gemini... who cant stop smiling...even in pain..:) everything for her is a miracle...

5:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

7.31
9a
With their "tax and spend" rhetoric the gods have effectively used the Republicans to transfer responsibility for the $14 trillion national debt to the Democrats.
Ronald Reagan spent the communist block into submission with defense buildup, and in the process increased the debt from $1 trillion in 1980 to $6 trillion when he left office.
W charged both the Iraq and Afghanistan wars to the national debt, honest numbers to come.
Recall Clinton ran a surpuls at the end of his Administration. Fueled by low petrolium prices, understand how the god's other tools were used to create this "revelry cycle", one which assures people have little motivation to pursue the path and repair their relationship with the gods, for contentment never motivated anyone.
As the gods used W to initiate the recession with deliberate legislation changes, ones which allowed the sub-prime fiasco and corporate irresponsibility which led to the multi-trillion dollar stimulous package, expect this wasn't the first Republican-led attempt or the beginning of the god's "reverse positioning" strategy designed to create an enviornment to motivate people. Much like the immigration issue, where the intent of the vocal masses contradicts the god's true intent of clue warning against coming to the US, many (most) conservatives and those capitalizing had alterior motivives to these eras of "deficit spending":::::
With legislation facilitating temptation to those who are in position the gods have created a trap, much like the tax code and other examples throughout the economy, which will be addressed in these individual's future lives, and fulfills the goals of motivation the gods have laid out for the peasantry:::The gods prey on the wealthy with temptation too.
These are FINE examples of steps the gods took to ensure a sufficiently deceptive environment as the masses began to understand the god's sytem and methodology. For those who would listen I was used to assist people to rapidly increase their understanding of this system. Unfortunate for me, the gods can claim they never intended this, despite being control freaks who guide everything specifically and have the power to force it with AI, and now they are free to fuck my brains out subsequently. Lucky me.

10:10p
Those whom the gods wanted to have confidence in their relationship were told when to take their money and put it into real estate. After selling at the peak of the market,they were able to reinvest in the market at DJIA 6,000.
This is a big part of the scam we have recently witnessed. Expect this to be the way gangsters and those who "go along" steal in this modern era.
I do not want individuals such as this to learn from me. You wanted a bitch should have used JC.
If you had any worth you'd be killing all along now, no reincarnation. Fuck saving everyone for the Apocalypse.
Buttfucking gods. I hope they die.
"The Crucible" happened with Amy for a reason.

vilesviles

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