And Then There Were Two

Thank you all for all your comments and prayers, I just cannot explain to you all how much they mean to me.

Yesterday was a bad day. Probably one of the worst in my life. As you can guess, I did not receive good news.
Went for my ultrasound at lunchtime, where after a very painful exam they told me that a doctor wouldn't be in to see me and to call my specialist at his office once I left the hospital. The techs at the hospital weren't allowed to say anything but said the doctor that had read my ultrasound results was faxing a report to my doctor.
We left the hospital and while the husband was driving I called my doctor's office to get the results. But, to my dismay, the office that is never closed, was indeed closed on the day when I needed them to be open the most.
I promptly hung up my phone, burst into tears, and called my mom to tell her that I still didn't know what was going on. The husband (understandably) freaked out a little and was very upset that the doctor at the hospital didn't just tell me what was going on, as did I.
Anyways, he dropped me back off at work and drove home. When I walked into my office, of course everyone was waiting to hear what the news was (this was just in the production office - not the whole company), and I burst into tears again with the first person I talked to.
I managed to calm myself down and get to my desk and do a couple of things. Then the phone rang and the husband told me that when he got home there was a message on the machine from another doctor at my specialist's office asking me to call him.
I did, and that's when he told me the news. The baby in my uterous had dissolved back into my uterine lining and I had a definite ectopic in my left fallopian tube. He told me I had to go back to the hospital I had just come from and go to emergency and they would give me a medication that would "disolve the baby."
I said okay, hung up the phone, called the husband to come and pick me up again, called my mom to tell her (who was very calm until the last 30 seconds of the conversation when she completely lost it and I couldn't even understand her), hung up with her, told the woman I share my office with what was going on, went and told my boss, cleaned up my desk, sent a couple emails, then went downstairs where the husband was waiting. I got in the car, closed the door and started sobbing.
We drove to the ER, where I experienced 5 of the worst hours of my life. From the second I walked in the hospital I was very calm, let them weigh and measure me, take blood, explain what the medication would do, then explain that since I am rh negative, my body had already begun to build up antibodies to any future children I might become pregnant with, and so I would need another medication now to destroy these antibodies to avoid my body trying to kill any future children.
I don't know how, but I stayed remarkably calm through everything. Even when they lost my chart and forgot about me. Then spelled my last name incorrectly and had to get the blood bank to make a special trip to the ER to fix my paperwork. Then when they ordered me the wrong amount of medication. Then when they had a shift change and 3 doctors and 2 nurses stood two feet from me and discussed what I was doing there like I didn't even exist. Then when I had to be ushered behind a curtain to I could receive a shot in each ass cheek of the medication that would terminate the pregnancy. Then when they realized that no one had started an IV line so that I could receive the other medication. Then when I had to sit there and let the nurse stick me and wiggle the needle around in my arm because they couldn't find my vein - turns out I was dehydrated because I hadn't had anything to eat or drink in 8 hours.
But then, when I was walking out to the car in the -30 temperatures and saw my husband and got in the warm car, I lost it. I had a complete and total meltdown, pretty much all the way home.
Since then I have gone from giggling with my husband over silly things, to bursting into huge, gulping sob fests and back again. The medication they gave me is making me nauseous but other than that I'm okay. There is quite a bit of pressure in my abdomen but they told me that would be normal.
The husband and I are doing the best we can to reassure each other - and the thing is, I know we will be okay. But all I can think about is that I am this terrible person, this selfish person that has medicine coursing through her that is intended to kill her unborn baby. I know that's a horrible thing to say, because the other option is that I let the baby keep growing and risk death for myself. I just keep thinking that this baby already had a heartbeat, and that it was created from my husband and I, and what kind of a person must I be to do this?
Silly thoughts, I really do know that, but at this moment they are very prominent in my mind. I have more tests tomorrow to make sure that the medicine is doing what it should. Then if it's okay to travel we're going to head to Ontario to stay with our parents for the weekend. All I want is my family, my house, and no city.
I'm sorry for being such a downer, but I know some of you have been worried.
The husband and I will both be fine, it'll just take a little while.
Take care of yourselves and I'll be back to write on Monday.

Today is the Day

It’s bright and early Wednesday morning.
Today is the day that I go for my ultrasound where they are “supposedly” going to be telling me just what is going on with my body.

One baby, two babies, no babies – whatever.

I have had about all I can take of this not knowing thing and it’s beginning to take a toll on the husband as well. He’s not talking much these days except to say “I love you babies” referring to me and the one or two in there.

At this point I’m wavering unsteadily on the line between hope and despair. One moment I convince myself that whatever is in my fallopian tube can be removed without damaging anything (besides my heart if it turns out to be a baby) and that the “spot” in my uterus is indeed a growing, healthy baby.

In the next moment I’ve convinced myself of the exact opposite – that either I’ve miscarried the one in my uterus (too many details to get into here – let’s just say that it’s a possibility) and that the fallopian tube “spot” is just, well, it’s bad news regardless of what it turns out to be.

I’m hoping so hard that I don’t really seem to have any hope left.
I’m praying that today will give us some definite answers, regardless of if they’re happy or sad, I just need to know.

If the worst happens I may be taken in for surgery immediately so I’m not sure when I’ll be back to update you.

Fingers crossed, love you guys.

I'm Coming, Chocolate...(Puff, Pant, Wheeze)

I just ate copious amounts of fast food. I didn't finish it all and instead passed off the last bit to the husband. I am so full that my stomach hurts.
I finished eating about 30 minutes ago, and now I am contemplating going out in the freezing cold to get some 1/2 and 1/2 for tea, and about 6 chocolate bars. I am craving chocolate and my craving is getting the better of me.
Lately I have been eating pretty healthy - today I threw that all out the window. Besides tonight's feast of high-calorie, low nutrient garbage, I also ate a square of this divine banana chocolate chunk coconut goodness that my boss brought in. Then the office next door brought over 2 boxes of donuts because someone had dropped off 3 boxes to them and they only needed one.
I ate two donuts. I never eat donuts. But today, I ate two.
This better be a passing phase, that's all I can say. I'm feeling lethargic because of all the junk in my body. But, here I go, pulling my boots on to brave the storm and get some chocolate.
At the rate I'm going I'll be a shiny, puffy, chocolate covered, sweat suit wearing, wheezing sphere of a person by the morning.

It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like...A Big Mess In Here

Happy day to you all. I've been having a great weekend so far and hope that you have as well. I got half of my work done yesterday - still have to do a fairly large pagination, but I'm feeling pretty focused so it should be okay.
Anyway, since my beloved camera is still M.I.A., I've resorted to drawing hideous pictures of what I've been up to. I really do know how bad this picture is, and am well aware of what it will do to the semi-artistic ability that some of you believe I have.
In my own defense, I did this picture in the Paint program on my computer; man is that sucker hard to work with. I had to draw my face about 15 times because it kept being really round on one side and then the other side would always be caved in or all jagged. Needless to say I laughed like a big nerd the whole time I was drawing it. Whatever makes you happy, right?
And you may think that I put myself in that horrendous outfit just for artistic flair.
You would be sadly mistaken, for my outfit this weekend has consisted of a blue thermal long sleeve shirt, purple velour pants, and those hideous redy/pinky fuzzy slippers. When I'm feeling chilly, I even have the matching purple velour jacket to go with those hot pants. Oh baby, I am lookin' go-od.
Guess what? I still haven't started my Christmas cards - and I really can't see it happening anytime the rest of today. Oh well, they will probably be late as per usual.
I have managed to drag out most of the Christmas decorations, some are up, but most are littering the living room and dining room floors. I did put up my nativity scene last night - I love doing that part. A couple years ago I had my grandpa build me a little stable out of some scraps of wood he had at his house, what he built was very simple but I love it, and he can't see well enough to build things like that anymore, which makes it all the more special.
I also have this cute snowman face that I hang on our door, in between the heavy door and the screen door. Only problem with that is that the curtain on the heavy door is kind of see-thru; therefore when there is an outside light on there is a silhouette of what appears to be a very big man peeking in our door. This results in me screaming every time I glance at the door. Each year we go through this and sometimes it even startles the husband - but the snowman is so cute that I can't bear to put him anywhere else.
But I'm procrastinating by sitting around here, writing to you all, plus I've stopped like 20 times to sing (more like screech) along with the cd I have on - so this has actually taken me about 45 minutes to write, instead of the 20 it should have.
Have a great rest of the weekend my lovelies!

Brokedown...But Slowly Being Put Back Together

So last night I finally had a really good meltdown. Probably more women than men will know what I'm talking about - you know the kind where it starts out as a little cry to yourself with a few tears and quickly escalades into a full out sob fest? Where you're bawling huge crocodile tears, and are sobbing so hard that it's hard to catch your breath and you're noisy and snotty and kind of heaving and doing that gulping noise each time you try to breathe?
I walked in the door last night, sat down in a chair, wrapped myself in a blanket and let 'er rip. The husband was trying to make supper and was running back and forth between the kitchen and the barbeque and me, trying not to burn everything but comforting me as well. Finally he was done cooking and he came over and kneeled down in front of me and pulled me over and just let me sob.
I don't know about you, but those kinds of cries don't happen too often, but when they do, I feel completely exhasted after (both mentally and physically) and usually sleep like a baby after.
And I did, I slept better than I have in weeks - and today I had a much better outlook on everything. It was just what I needed to get all my pent up frustration out and realize that although I know it deep down already, I really can't do anything about my current situation and so I just have to trust that "someone" knows what he's doing.
Now enough about that.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I plan on spending this weekend decorating my house for Christmas and making another attempt at writing my Christmas cards (note that I say "attempt" because it probably won't really happen). The husband is working days at the hospital so I will have the place to myself for the most part. I also brought home quite a bit of work to keep myself busy.
I'm also planning on catching up on some of my blog reading - it's funny that I almost feel guilty when I don't post, or when I don't have time to check all of your blogs each day.
I look forward to reading Zig's, even though half the time I know what he's writing about because we've talked about it at work, then I always read Alyssa's too - it's funny to read a husband and wife's perspectives on things.
Then I always jump to Reggie's, sometimes checking in on him for a moment on his office cam to see if he actually made it to work that day or if he's doing some golfing instead. You can always tell if he's in or not because of his laptop.
Next I pop in at Tee's, although he's very naughty and is even worse at updating his blog than I have been lately.
Finally I stop in at Logziella's because hers takes the longest. No, not because you write too much (I love lots of writing - the more the better), but because then I branch off and read Amos, and Mojonah and all the rest.
Then after all of those, I have a list of blogs that I read each day that are totally separate from all you guys. Most are ones that I've stumbled upon by accident and some I've found while looking for infertility stuff.
Each one of you have little things that I like. It's funny, how attached I've become to all of you.
Some of you I feel like I actually know, and can connect with on different things. Logziella, for example, is someone that I have grown very fond of, and I actually wait for her comments everyday - she always writes the funniest little things, and is so genuine in her best wishes.
You are all fabulous in your own ways, and I love that I am able to share in and read about your lives each day, I'm happy to "know" you all.

Baby, Oh Baby

Okay, since I've been pretty much ignoring the entire blog universe lately and just being selfish and asking you all to pray for me and send me happy thoughts - I figure maybe I should offer up some sort of an explanation. I won't tell every detail but this will give you all an idea about what my problem has been lately.

Okay, where to begin...as I'm sure most of you know, the husband and I have been trying to have a baby. We've actually been trying for over 2 years now with no luck. Just under a year ago I began going to a fertility specialist to find out what was preventing me from getting pregnant. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS as it is more commonly known. This involves a whole bunch of hormones, your body's ability to create the right amount of insulin, signals not being sent properly from your brain to your ovaries - just a whole bunch of stuff that is hard to understand.
Anyways, about 6 months ago I began taking Metf.ormin, a drug that was supposed to help my body regulate itself and, in time, ovulate when it should. You begin by taking one pill a day, then gradually work yourself up to two a day, then finally up to three. For the first 3 months I took the pills I was sick every day. And I'm not exagerating. Every single day I was sick - it was gross and horrible but I decided that if that was what I needed to do to have a baby then I would do it.
About two months ago my doctor decided to also put me on a fertility drug, Cl.omid. This is the type of drug that will force your body to ovulate and the chances are higher that you may actually have twins or even triplets. The percentages don't go up that much, but because twins run in my family, I was already at a heightened risk for multiples.

Whatever, last month I took my first round of Clomi.d along with the Metfo.rmin. I didn't feel sick or notice any change in myself. The only difference was that instead of getting blood work done a couple times a month, I seemed to be having it done a couple times a week. Once again, I decided that I would just deal with it, if this was going to help me have a baby.

Fast forward to two weeks ago today. I peed on a stick. Holy shit. I was pregnant. I freaked. You have no idea. I bawled forever and was in total shock that whole day.

So yay, I have a positive pregnancy test (actually 3) for the first time in my life. So I went to my specialist for an appointment - he congratulates me, tells me I need an ultrasound to make sure "there is only one in there" to which I replied "I don't care how many are in there, I'm taking them all!" So as I'm laying there all sprawled out, he tells me that he can't actually see anything yet - maybe it's too early. It turns out that yes, I do ovulate a week later than a "normal" person so it would be too early for this particular ultrasound.

I go and have disgusting amounts of blood taken to make sure that all my "levels" are normal and that I don't have any STD's or anything.

The next week I go back for another ultrasound, I thought I was going to throw up in the waiting room because, of course, I've convinced myself that something must have happened and maybe I'm not really pregnant. The husband and I get called in and the doctor says not to worry, my pregnancy hormone levels are rising like they're supposed to and let's go down the hall for another ultrasound to reassure me.

"Huh" he says as he's probing around with his "wand" in there, "I still can't see anything." At this point I am laying on the table with this wand pushing around in there and trying very hard not to cry. I told him that I can't wait another week to find out what's going on because I'm making myself crazy. It's true - at work especially I have been right out to lunch every day because I'm panicking.

He tells me that he's sending me to the hospital (the biggest one in the province, where my husband actually works) for an ultrasound there because their equipment is much newer and fancier.

So today I went in with a tech and a student and they do both kinds of ultrasounds - the stomach one and the vaginal (sorry guys!) one. The vaginal one lasted for about 30 minutes - not fun. Then they tell me that they have to get the doctor to read the scans and give his diagnosis - no problem, I'd like the doctor to tell me anyway.

Five minutes later they come back in and tell me to go pee, because the doctor wants to come in and have a look for himself and is that okay? At this point I have no shame, so it makes no difference who wants to "have a look."

He comes in, spends another 15 minutes "looking around" in there and then tells me that he needs to go call my specialist. WHAT!? Tell me what the hell is going on! Finally the tech tells me that they think they can see an early pregnancy in the uterous, but there is "another spot of interest" in my fallopian tube. What that means, I still don't know for sure. All I know is that I have another appointment with my specialist tomorrow and another appointment at the hospital next Wednesday, so that means I will probably be making a visit to the vampires every day until then.

As of this moment, I have no idea if the pregnancy is progressing as it should, I don't know what the "spot of interest" actually is, or how it will affect me or the supposed pregnancy, and I am, of course, making myself sick about the whole thing. And as I'm typing this all I can think is that I hope no one from my work reads this (besides the ones who know what's going on) because I really don't want many people to know until I really know what's going on myself.

I realize that this may be more details than you needed, and that it was very long-winded - but this is the first time I've felt like blogging in a while, so this is what you get. Sorry it's not happier.

Anyways, I've missed you all and I am back for now - thanks for all your happy thoughts and luck you've sent my way, I appreciate it more than you can know.

Sigh

The proverbial shit has hit the fan.
Don't feel like writing, will be back soon to tell all.
Wish me luck, and don't worry!

Absolutely Hideous

My nails are hideous. Not just hideous, but absolutely hideous.
For the last year or so now I have been getting my nails done about once a month. I have product put on them (like acrylic) but better, and between appointments I can file and buff them and they still look great. When you go to get your nails done at my salon the first time they show you how to take care of them in between appointments.
I know I am always complaining about money, but this is the one thing I do for myself each month. I rarely shop anymore, I hardly ever get my hair cut or spend money going out - so I've decided that this one little $35 extravagance each month isn't so bad.
Trouble is that it's been over 5 weeks now. And because I still can't find my camera I can't take a picture to show you - but take my word for it. My nails look gross.
They are long, and lifting, and I haven't filed them properly and I still have the spider on one that I got done a couple of weeks before halloween.
To guys, this may not seem like a big deal, but to some women I'm sure you will feel my pain.

More Randomness

It's another Random Thought kind of day, so here you go:

1. I am so broke right now.
As in I am seriously beginning to wonder how we are going to make it till the husband's payday on the 23rd.

2. I still can't find my damn camera.
It may not be the most expensive camera in the world - but I don't have an extra $600 lying around (as you can see from point # 1).

3. I really need my 6 month review at work.
Like really. My 6 months was up on the 26th of October and I need to know if I'm doing a shit job, and if not, I'd like my damn raise.

4. I am a miserable ogre and tend to be that way a lot lately.
I notice my posts haven't been as light hearted as usual. I promise that in a little while I will be back to my old ridiculous self.

5. Today at lunch I actually was my old ridiculous self.
I was pretending to trip everywhere, and laughing about sillly things, and being perverted and all that usual fun stuff. Lunch was fun.

6. I am so hungry.
All of the time. I just can't get enough to eat. Funnily enough I have been craving healthy food - very bizarre, I know.

7. I'm making spaghetti for supper.
The husband is probably sick of it because I seem to be making it a lot lately. But it's cheap and easy and it tastes so good!

8. This coming weekend is Grey Cup.
(That's the Canadian version of the Superbowl) and it's in Winnipeg. Of course the husband is going, and taking his best friend, my little bro and my father in law with him, so I will have a house full of men all weekend. Yi-pee.

9. I have to back and see the vampires tomorrow.
How can I even have any blood left at this point?

10. I said I was going to write my Christmas cards this past weekend. I didn't.
That's why I always strive to do them early - because it never happens. Most of the time I'm sending them out 3 days before Christmas and just hoping they'll get there by New Years.

11. I'm really not liking blogger right now.
A new person commented on my blog today and for some reason blogger won't let me post it. Stupid blogger.

12. My upstairs neighbours have their grandchildren over now.
Their grandchildren are complete psycho nut jobs. I love kids, really - but the way those little monsters stomp around up there is making me seriously consider either A.) Banging my broom on the ceiling and screaming "Quiet down up there" like an old 85 year old woman, or B.) Stacking my patio chairs up so that I can drag myself onto their balcony, then slamming myself into the balcony door screaming "Shut up or I'll flush you all down the toilet!" in a very crazy, terrifying voice, with crazy hair and my 25 cats all around me.

I'm thinking option B. sounds more fun.

Lazy and Blood Deficient

Hellllloooooooo out there! How is everyone doing today?
I spent the day laying on the couch watching all the tv shows I am no longer able to due to my 9-5 job. I had the day off so I got up at 9, jumped in the shower, ate some cereal and then parked my ass on the couch for the next 4 hours.
I watched The View (for about 15 minutes - those women make me want to scream!), then I watched Friends, then Days of Our Lives, then a Baby Story. I have been watching Days since I was about 13 years old - I know it's a hokey soap, but it has always been the one I liked the best. I can always miss it for a month or two then catch a half hour of it sometime and be caught up. But after watching it today I've come to realize that I really don't care for it anymore.
Could it be that I've grown past the cheesy characters with names like Bo, Belle and Victor? And the plots that always include a cop going above and beyond what he should do because "no one does that to my family" and yet never gets thrown in jail himself? Or that someone will finally figure out that the paternity tests were switched while 10 characters were in comas and the token "evil" character laughs in the background at how his devastating plan had succeeded.
Ugh...gag me with a spoon. I think if I just tune in once a year I should be able to see all I need to keep me in the loop.

In other news, I spent this afternoon at the doctor's office and then at my friendly neighbourhood Vampires office having my veins sucked dry. The doctor's office trip was NOT a fun one. Let's just say that there were "things" placed into "spots" that weren't a lot of fun.

I'm going to ask a big favour of all of you - that you think of me over the next week and send me happy thoughts. I have a follow up appointment next Monday that I am a little worried and scared about and would appreciate any warm and fuzzy thoughts you can send my way.
In time all will be revealed...I hope.

Everyone, I'd Like You to Meet Roddy, He's From North Carolina

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I was tired and my head was banging and I couldn't really seem to focus - but it was a wonderful day anyway.
Do you wanna know why?
Alright, alright...I know you're all salivating and waiting with bated breath to know, so I'll share.
I ran out to grab some lunch just before 12 with Zig and two other people that we work with. We were only gone for 15 minutes or so, but when we returned we decided to all eat lunch together in the main part of the office instead of in our own separate offices.
I walked down the hall to put my jacket away and...there it was.
A package.
From FedEx.
On my chair.
It said To:Ali.
And the return address was North Carolina.
I screamed.
Then I ran to tell Zig.

What exactly is so exciting about a package from North Carolina you might ask?
Well this particular package came from someone I wasn't expecting. It came from Reggie. And it was just for me.
Remember a while ago when he posted about his embarrasment of having to order a Happy Meal from McDonalds and then having no one to give the toy to?
Well I left him a comment about how much I loved McDonald's toys and that if he couldn't find someone else to give the toy to that he could send it to me. He wrote back and said "Consider it sent."
I thought that was pretty funny and not in a million years did I ever think that he would actually send it.
But he did. To another country, wrapped in a bubble-wrap envelope and then inside a FedEx envelope. And not just any FedEx envelope. But Express FedEx.
I was in total shock and I squealed about it for the better part of an hour, Zig and I laughed and kept saying that we couldn't believe he had actually sent it.
It's a rat named Roddy from the new "Flushed Away" movie (which I happened to go and see last weekend) and he has a compass in his tummy.
Now Roddy is standing on my computer looking at me right now and he makes me happy.

So to Reggie, thank you for making my boring, unfocused Thursday into a great and wonderful day!

I Am Slowly Going Crazy, 1,2,3,4,5,6 Switch...

Sigh...it's about 2:30 in the morning and here I sit at my computer. Awake. Not where I would prefer to be at the moment.
I had a splitting headache almost all day yesterday which continued on until I went to bed at around 10:45. It was just one of those headaches where no matter how many pills you pop, your head will continue to throb - almost taunting you that although you are nearly in a coma from the excessive amounts of tylenol - your head is going to keep pounding away.
As soon as my head touched my pillow I was down for the count. Or at least until around 1am. I got up to pee and then I scared myself on the way back to bed (which my overactive imagination can often do to me) and I yiped as I jumped back into bed and yanked the covers over my head.
A few minutes later when I was brave enough to peek out from under the covers the husband started to snore. Grrrrrr. It's been a little while since he's snored so much that he's kept me awake - but tonight is making me crazy. I whispered for him to roll over because he was snoring, I kicked the mattress to kind of scare him awake so he would roll over on his own, I grabbed his arm and said "Chris, roll over" and then I even swore at him to roll over. No. Such. Luck.
That a-hole is still on his back and snoring up a storm.
Just when I was contemplating either kicking the husband or smothering him, I decided that even if he stopped snoring my mind was being it's usual Gemini self and roaring around uncontrollably anyways, so what was the point?
Better to get up and blog about not being able to sleep, so you guys can get up in the morning, well-rested, and think "Wow, I had a really great sleep - not a sleepless night of homicidal tendencies like Ali."
Blech, my computer clock says 3:01, I guess I'll go give this sleep thing another try.
Good Morning!

*In the event that someone who does NOT know me reads this post, of course I would never dream of actually smothering my husband. Kick him yes, smother no.

Slacker Ali

Hello. Once again...I am not dead. Just consumed by the craziness of life as of late. I apologize for being such a "blogger tease" as a wise chickie once called it.
I was down home this weekend, working on Monday night, my father-in-law showed up kind of unexpectedly last night from Ontario needing a place to crash (he was supposed to come today) and tonight we are going out to the husband's Grandma's surprise 75th birthday party.
Tomorrow I will be working and then I'm basically useless in the evening because Grey's Anatomy and E.R. are on. Friday night I don't know what's going on - but I think we have plans with friends.
Saturday my parents and brother are coming in to the city - I think my parents are staying at a hotel (they're celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary a little late), my bro will be staying with us, and I'm going out for some much needed girl time Saturday night.
Sunday my parents will still be in town for most of the day, and then when they're gone I plan on filling out my Christmas cards and doing some writing before Brothers & Sisters (the best show by the way) and Desperate Housewives come on.
And then in all of that I have to do laundry, eat, bathe, call a couple friends and basically do everyday stuff. And all of that is squeezed in around my new carnivorousness, and the steak I'm having to feed on everyday.
There's just lots of stuff going on right now.

And then to top it all off I've been uber emotional lately. The ladies will know what I'm talking about...when a Hallmark commercial comes on and you're sobbing like somebody just died? Or when you're husband looks at you funny and you think it's because you're so hideous looking and that he doesn't love you anymore? For the past two weeks I have been on a crazy emotional roller coaster and I'm drained because of it.

But I have a feeling that things will be looking up from now on.

Is it Normal to Crave Meat Like This?

As I reported last week, my inner carnivore had emerged and was consuming my entire livelihood. All I could think about was steak. Hmmmmm, steak.

Whoa, anyways, my ever loving and ever doting daddy-o decided to buy some kick-ass steaks because I actually called him several times to request it for the weekend.

Steak, mushrooms, potatoes, caesar salad, wine...oh god...the most blissful meal I've had in a while. My body must have been lacking in protein for me to crave meat like that, and although I tamed the beast for a couple days, the Carnie is emerging once again.

I think I'm going to make some beef stir-fry tonight...hmmmmm...beef.....(drool)...hmmmmm.....

Hello Lovers...

I am not dead, nor am I being snotty and ignoring you all (all 4 of you that is). I can't remember if I mentioned that I was going to the land of dial-up this weekend - but alas, here I sit in this very slow, very quiet land.
The husband picked me up from work Friday night and we drove the 3 hours to our hometown in Ontario. I was in bed last night by 10 and had a fabulous sleep for the first time in about 5 years. Not EVER in five years, just in 5 years being at my parents house. As soon as we got married and Chris (the husband) started sleeping here with me, my parents moved a double bed into my old room (I had always had a twin). Now I don't know about you, but two adults sleeping in a double bed is just not kosher with me. In fact, it sucks. Big time.
Especially because I am a blanket hog and I tend to sleep kind of flamingoed, as in on my stomach with both arms stuck out to either side and under my head and then my one leg pulled up so that the bottom of my foot is against my thigh. Not the best position for tight quarters.
Anyways, for some reason the husband didn't snore last night and I slept like a log. It was fantastic.
But then we hardly saw each other all day and when we did he was in a terrible mood (although of course he kept telling me there was nothing wrong with him) and we ended up bickering. I went to a movie tonight with my mom and brother and then we went to church in the next town over so I could visit with my grandparents and aunts. On the way home I got my mom to drop me off at the husband's parents house for a visit. Big mistake, the husband was cranky, but kept telling me I was cranky, which in turn made me cranky.
At the end of it all I got him to drive him back to my parents house, then we yelled at each other in the front yard and he grabbed his stuff and went over to his parents. Ah, good times.
Looks like I'm in for another great, bed-hogging night of blissful deep sleep.
Men, blech.
Funnily enough, I am still in a great mood. Maybe because even though we argued, we didn't actually fight about anything. And even before we argued we decided that he was going to sleep at his parents house so he could visit his dad. So he left cranky and we're sleeping in separate houses - but it's probably for the best. Maybe being able to snore as loud as he wants and hog the bed and actually keep some covers will be good for him. Let's hope so.

Oh yeah, we decided to sleep over Sunday night too and then haul our asses back to the city on Monday morning before I have to work, which is awesome. Awesome because my dad went and got some beautiful steaks on Friday. And he's going to be home tomorrow to cook them up! I am soooo excited. Finally - my inner carnivore will be unleashed! Grrrrrrrrrr.

(Dry Heave)

Here is a disgusting photo for you - the congealed fat from Tuesday night's roast. The crock pot has since been washed but I thought I'd be super cool and post this picture anyways. And even seeing all this solidified beef fat doesn't kill my need for a huge, juicy steak. Go figure.

I'm a Carnie...But Not the Creepy Kind From the Carnival

Oh my God...what a frustrating day. First of all, I'm frustrated because I am feeling like a total carnivore. I go through phases with meat, sometimes I like it, sometimes it grosses me out - but since Monday morning I have been craving meat. Not just any meat - but steak. Like the biggest, most juicy steak you have ever seen. On Monday we got home late so I made spaghetti with meat sauce. I ate an enourmous plate, then I had the leftovers for lunch on Tuesday. Last night the husband made a beef roast - I think I chowed down more of it than him! I just couldn't get enough. Now today I have been pigging out on candy but all I can think of is eating a steak.
We're going home to Ontario this weekend and I'm planning on calling my dad tonight to tell him to have some huge fillets ready to cook on Saturday night. I've turned into a cold-blooded carnivore I tell ya!
Anyways, back to the real reason I'm frustrated. Associate editors. Just saying that title makes me want to scream obscenities and rip my hair out! I will not go into the dirty details, but I will say this - from my experiences, most associate editors are about as useless as telling Visa that you'd prefer if they didn't charge you interest anymore.

Lately, I have had a never-ending slew of problems with all but one of the associate editors (I'm going to call them ass editors from now on - it's more fitting) that I've been dealing with.
Today was "Take Your Kid To Work Day" here in Winnipeg and the woman who shares my office with me brought her 14 year old daughter. Let's just say that I think that girl learned a few new words. Bad Ali!
To all you ass editors out there...if you don't do your job, how do you figure I can do mine? I don't really care if you don't have time - if that's the case then maybe you shouldn't accept the work in the first place. That is why you have the luxury of being "associate." You can say NO if you just have too much else to do!

But if I try to get ahold of you to figure out why everything you do is late - do NOT screen your calls, do NOT assume I am an idiot and that you can convince me that nothing is ever your fault and you sure as hell better NOT lie right to my face - I know what your job is and when the deadline is and I have no problem going over your head to find out if you're lying or not!
This is what I feel like doing to each and every ass editor right now - so do your job!


Whew, how was that for a tirade?
You can all relax...now that I have that out of my system I feel a lot better. And I'm laughing at the ridiculous pictures.
Plus, I'm listening to some really wicked music right now and rockin' out in my sweats while I'm making supper - so it's all good.

Thanks for letting me vent!