I Need to Work on My Reactions

Yesterday morning I went in to work early. I stopped for coffee on the way, which I don't normally do anymore. As anyone who drinks their coffee with sugar knows, having someone else make it for you is a bit of a risk- you either get too much sugar or not enough.

Now this may be hard to believe, but I tend to always need more :)

Anyways, as I'm walking out of the kitchen with my extra large coffee with no lid, I come dangerously close to running into James, a co-worker. Or more realistically, I come dangerously close to running into his belly button, since he's 6'3".

Me: (stop dead in my tracks and my eyes open wide)
James: (throws his hands up in mock shock at seeing me)
Me: uh
James: hehehe
Me: Aaaaaaaaaagh!!! (what can I say - it was a delayed reaction)
James: Ohhhhh, that's nice...
Me: What? (laughing)
James: That's always the reaction I like to get from the ladies.
Me: Oh, come on!
James: No, really, I love that scream of horror they do when they see me...
Me: Awww, James (laughing)
James: "Aaagh! It's James!"...Not really what I was going for.
Me: But maybe I was really screaming in awe at your obvious raw sexuality?
James: Well when you say it as a question, I tend not to believe you.
Me: Ah, touche.

Sex Isn't Always So Romantic

Don't you just love in movies or in adult content tv shows when they "make love?"

Or wait, excuse me perverts, don't you just love when they portray making love?

Everything is super sexy and lovey, every whispered word is more meaningful and heartfelt than either one of them has ever uttered. Even when it's just a good old-fashioned boink fest it's still the sexiest thing you've ever seen.

Every hair is in place, her lipstick is freshly applied, his face is smooth, every move causes wave upon wave of ecstasy, no one says something they shouldn't have said, nothing ever slips, no one ever yells "Owwww!"

The moment of climax always seems so spectacular and perfectly timed that you'd swear they had been training for it with a coach. And then, when everything is done, neither one is sweaty or tired and they lay in each other's arms and drift off to sleep whispering their I love you's.


Give me a break.


Now let's be honest here...in real life? There's sweat. There's swearing. There sure as hell isn't perfectly coiffed hair. And I know for a fact that it's not really that sexy.

Ladies, have you ever tried to keep your legs pointed at a super sexy angle? You're just thinking "I know this looks hot, I know he loves my legs like this." Then all of a sudden...LEG CRAMP!!! And it's not just a quick little muscle spasm either, it's a hardcore, need to stand up and stomp your foot, biting your lip and muttering curse words kind of cramp.

Leaving your hair down in reality? It's in his face, your face, it's stuck to his chest, it's in your mouth, and all it's doing is making you even more sweaty. And half the time in real life he's sporting a 5 o'clock shadow and the girl is getting whisker burn all over the place.

Most of the time by the end of the show long hair is in one seriously large knot on the side of your head, mascara is smeared from your eyes, he's weak at the knees, both of you are whispering that you need water, and on the way to the bathroom you trip over the sweats that were just ripped off your body.

And what about the mess? On tv there's never a cleanup. You never see a dude walking to the bathroom with a used condom, or see a chick reaching for kleenex or a towel.


I dunno, is it just me? Or are everyone else's sex lives uber romantic all the time?

Slob City

You guys know my deal - I work downtown, in the heart of Winnipeg, am an editor at a publishing house - and I'm 29. Most people would agree, that's pretty much "grown up."

During my commute, amidst my dancing and singing, I look around at the other people in the vehicles. My guess is that about 90% of those people are business people, heading to their downtown offices. These people are in business attire.

When I park my car and begin the five minute trek to my office, I often end up walking with a bunch of other worker ants. These people are also in business attire.

Thursday I wore a pair of jeans, a cute little shirt, flip flops and straightened my hair.

Friday it was chilly out, so I wore flip flops, new jeans - but they were made to look lived in, so they have a few "worn" patches and tiny rips in them, an AC/DC sweatshirt, silver hoop earrings and my hair in a ponytail.

Yesterday I wore jeans, flip flops, an old shirt that was once cute and my hair in a big mess of curls.

Anyone noticing a pattern here?

Like maybe I dress like a slob? Maybe I should be putting a little more effort into what I wear?

The fact is, even when I say I look like I just crawled out of a ditch, I generally don't look that bad - it's more that I look casual...extremely, extremely casual. But man, walking to work with all those "businessy" people, or going out for lunch with someone in a suit makes you notice how slobby you really are.

I used to get offended when people asked me what I did for a living and then when I'd respond they'd look at me and say "Really?! An editor?!?" I'm beginning to realize that maybe it's because I look more like someone who runs the till at 7/11.

Perhaps I should work on my "work look."

Not For the Easily Disgusted

So, last week, the husband says to me "What is that smell? In the kitchen?" I had no idea, figured it was a poopy diaper, and we took the garbage out.

Still the kitchen smelled.

We thought it might be the garbage disposal, so he put one of the cleaning pellet thingies down there.

Still the stink.

Around Friday I was wondering if maybe something was rotting in the fridge, but when I opened it, there was no smell in there.

Saturday morning E and I packed up to head to Ontario for the weekend. When we got there safely I called husband to let him know. I asked how the morning had been.

He figured out where the smell was coming from...oh god...I'm gagging again just thinking about it. See, after we left, he walked into the kitchen, and saw a maggot on our stove. Yes, you read right, a maggot.

Turns out? A bird had gotten into the exhaust fan above our stove. And it was rotting. And it had bred maggots.

And it had been there...all week at least...while we cooked dinners and went about our daily lives. I gagged so hard on the phone that I puked.

And even though it's been cleaned, thoroughly, I still avoid the stove at all costs. Even more fodder for my dislike of cooking.

Reality Check

I've been pretty absent for quite a while now. Something like 4 posts in 2 months or some garbage like that.

I've been engrossed in my own life. In Ellery, work, freelance, family, music, etc. But I've been ignoring some pretty major parts of my life.

That was all brought into check yesterday when I found out that a friend of mine (and ex boss) had passed away from cancer...in July.

I used to work for her right before I came to my current job. She was this amazing, hilarious red-headed goofball. She was married and had a beautiful baby girl who's only three years old. The last time I saw her was when I was eight months pregnant - then I got put on bedrest and had to cancel any more appointments with her.

In January we got a letter from her practice (she was a chiropractor) saying that she had to shut her office down for a while due to illness. I kept thinking it must have been her husband, or one of her parents that was sick. Though I intended to, I never called or emailed or stopped in at her house to check in on her.

I've been thinking about her lately, telling myself I should check in with her, maybe introduce her to Ellery. Then yesterday a co-worker asked me about an obituary she had seen a while back, asked if that was the woman I had worked with before. I checked. It was her. I read her obituary and sobbed at my desk. I'll never forgive myself for being such a goddamned lazy friend. She was 36 years old.

I never said anything about this earlier, but a co-worker (from my current job) passed away from cancer a few weeks ago. He was 35 years old.

Isn't it sad that it took the death of a friend to make me sit back and take stock of my life? To realize that lately anyways, I've missed things in my friend's lives, I'm sure in my family's lives, in all my blogger buddies' lives?

I'm heading home with Ellery tomorrow for the long weekend. I'm hoping to get in some good reflecting time and come back a little less self-involved.

Though I may not have said it lately, I love you all, very much.