Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Sex Isn't Always So Romantic

Don't you just love in movies or in adult content tv shows when they "make love?"

Or wait, excuse me perverts, don't you just love when they portray making love?

Everything is super sexy and lovey, every whispered word is more meaningful and heartfelt than either one of them has ever uttered. Even when it's just a good old-fashioned boink fest it's still the sexiest thing you've ever seen.

Every hair is in place, her lipstick is freshly applied, his face is smooth, every move causes wave upon wave of ecstasy, no one says something they shouldn't have said, nothing ever slips, no one ever yells "Owwww!"

The moment of climax always seems so spectacular and perfectly timed that you'd swear they had been training for it with a coach. And then, when everything is done, neither one is sweaty or tired and they lay in each other's arms and drift off to sleep whispering their I love you's.

Give me a break.

Now let's be honest here...in real life? There's sweat. There's swearing. There sure as hell isn't perfectly coiffed hair. And I know for a fact that it's not really that sexy.

Ladies, have you ever tried to keep your legs pointed at a super sexy angle? You're just thinking "I know this looks hot, I know he loves my legs like this." Then all of a sudden...LEG CRAMP!!! And it's not just a quick little muscle spasm either, it's a hardcore, need to stand up and stomp your foot, biting your lip and muttering curse words kind of cramp.

Leaving your hair down in reality? It's in his face, your face, it's stuck to his chest, it's in your mouth, and all it's doing is making you even more sweaty. And half the time in real life he's sporting a 5 o'clock shadow and the girl is getting whisker burn all over the place.

Most of the time by the end of the show long hair is in one seriously large knot on the side of your head, mascara is smeared from your eyes, he's weak at the knees, both of you are whispering that you need water, and on the way to the bathroom you trip over the sweats that were just ripped off your body.

And what about the mess? On tv there's never a cleanup. You never see a dude walking to the bathroom with a used condom, or see a chick reaching for kleenex or a towel.

I dunno, is it just me? Or are everyone else's sex lives uber romantic all the time?


Blogger Sitting In Silence said...

ROTFPMSL...Sex is much like Child Birth on TV,all Bull@^&@(*&T..
However,having said that, I am pretty impressed with TV SEX... time slot....all 8 sec's and it's over...LOL..

9:48 PM  
Blogger Rock Chef said...

That was one of the funniest posts I have ever read - fantastic, and so true too!

You must also remember the stuff on the bedside tables that gets knocked all over the place as someone thrashes around trying to get some air!

Going on to the TV and movie sex scenes - I really hate them. A waste of movie time - I mean some of them must take up 5 or 10 minutes of the mmovie on something that really isn't at all important to the story. OK, so they had sex. Do they need to show us 10 minutes of lame, fake sex to tell us that? If someone wants to watch porn they can get real porn easily enough can't they?

Anyway, loved this post - MORE, MORE!

3:46 AM  
Blogger terri said...

Ummmm, no. Definitely not super romantic.

7:41 AM  
Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

It's the legs over the shoulders thing that gets me- mine always shake and it's just annoying...

9:20 AM  
Blogger Judy said...

Funny but realistic post!!

4:23 PM  
Blogger tz said...

oh my gosh that's so funny....how about the mad fumble in the drawer by the bed for they KY (oh wait, you're probably too young)

or for us, the laughing...we laugh even in bed together...we could never be with anyone else because we laugh too much and it would give someone else a complex!

oh, TMI I guess...

7:39 PM  
Blogger Teresa Killam said...

just saying hi from alberta. you crack me up! you write the kinds of things on your blog that i think about writing and never do (and also my grandparents follow the blog which causes me to perpetually edit my ramblings). hope all is going well.

9:23 PM  
Blogger Sid said...

LOL! I totally loved this post.

1:57 AM  
Blogger James said...

good one Ali..telling it like it is

2:03 PM  

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