Man UP, Girl

Haven't posted in ages, and I come back with a bitchy post. Ah, true Ali fashion :)

You know what I don't like?

Girls that can't do anything for themselves.

The ones that can't open a jar, hang a picture on the wall, check their oil, pump their own gas... It's not like I think you should be able to rebuild an engine, bench press 200, or knock a guy out with one punch, but geez!

I'm no idiot - I know that sometimes the damsel in distress card can be played to our advantage. Sometimes it's nice to feel taken care of, or to make a man feel like they're coming to the rescue. I could meet my husband at the door in a dress and pearls and have dinner ready on the table too, but it would primarily be for roll-playing, and it would most likely end in sex.

But I can't stand when women play their girl card all the time.

You're tough! You're smart! And unless you are a complete idiot, you should be able to figure most things out. Don't be so damn lazy. Don't resort to the 1950s version of a woman. Wikipedia or Google that shit if you don't know how to do it!

I think my husband appreciates the fact that I can do things for myself. That I'm not a pushover. And I thank god that my dad pushed me how to learn to do things that maybe a typical "girl" wouldn't know how to do.

I love the fact that I can depend on myself for things. Strong women are amazing.

What Constitutes a Shitty Friend?

In a word, I think, it's me.

I am god-awful at keeping up my friendships these days. And keeping up my blogging. And my facebooking. And my laundry...

Oh yeah, that friend thing.

I'm a shitty one.

It's not that I don't want to keep up with my friends, because I do. I miss them. Desperately. And sometimes I sit around and am sad because I really miss a particular person. But do I call them or email them right then and there? No, because I'm an idiot. Or because I think too much time has passed and it will be awkward. Or because I go through a bitchy moment of "Well they haven't called me..."

Most of the time my excuse is that I'm tired. All the time. I've even been to the doctor to try to find out what's wrong. But then, I was too tired to go get the blood work done. And now I'm sick. So the blood work will be off anyways, because of my whacked out white blood cell count. Stupid.

Oh right, I was talking about being a shitty friend.

So I am one. I feel awful all the time, I miss people all the time, but still I do nothing to change it. I don't know why that is.

I really hope I smarten up though, or soon no one will want me.

Heavy

Much like my split personality star sign of a Gemini, I often feel like two different people. Sure, sometimes it's in my mood, changing from happy to sad, or from content to forlorn in a split second - I'm a pro at that - but sometimes it's like I literally am more than one person.

It's sort of about that country girl/city girl mentality I suppose.

When I'm in the city, I long for the country. I miss the silence that surrounds me there, I miss being totally at ease, knowing that I don't have to be in a hurry to do anything. I miss the comfort of knowing that my parents are close by, that my best friend's parents are across the street, that the majority of my family are near should I need them. I miss that simplicity. I truly feel like myself there. I can think, relax and just be.

But then there is that other part of me, the part that longs for the hustle and bustle of the city. That clings to the idea that if I just keep working my ass off, I can actually be somebody, maybe actually make a difference some way or somehow. I always told myself that I was destined for enormous, unbelievable things. Maybe not famous and in the public eye, but well known somehow, and eventually with money, so that I could use what I had to make a difference in other people's lives. My problem is that I don't know how to DO that.

And so I go back and forth.

Loving the simplicity of being what I am - a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend. Working hard at a job that I like, writing when I can, and being a country girl at heart.

But then craving something more. Wanting to push myself, force myself not to be afraid, to go after what I really want - to just DO it already.

Then, just as I decide one way or the other, to be happy with what I have, or to push myself for more, my other self will rear its head. Make me doubt what an hour before I was so sure of. And so I'm stuck in this limbo. Both knowing exactly who I am, yet having no idea who the real me is.

I feel like a crazy person half the time, and I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way.

Lawdy, lawdy, lawdy - Where DOES time go?

Remember when I used to post every single day, and sometimes I would even post twice a day? Way back when I was 26 or 27?
Ugh.
I'm so not capable of that anymore.

So what's been going on in my life? Both nothing at all, and more stuff than I could possibly tell you.

1. I've got freelance coming out the wazoo. Good thing I'm getting decent money for it though, or I might not be so okay with the wazoo abuse.

2. I went and bought myself a MacBook Pro. I'm in love. It's delicious and wonderful and it's really the first thing I've bought myself in all my years of freelance writing.

3. My uncle got hit by a pulp truck - or he hit it - on his snowmachine. The details are really sketchy as he can't talk right now. All I really know for sure is that he's got a trach tube, had deflated lungs, a bleed in his brain, and ended up with surgery consisting of 9 steel plates and 45 screws in his face. For now my dad is pretty much living at a hospital in Thunder Bay with his sister (my uncle's wife), until my uncle gets more stable and can be moved closer to home.

4. Ellery is mind boggling. Her vocabulary is amazing and she's as smart as a whip. It makes me tear up to think that she's going to be two in as many months.

5. My little brother is in grade 12 and is going to be 18 soon. I can't tell you what a weird feeling it was when that hit me a month or so ago. Sure, I've always known how old he was, but it just sort of HIT me one day...wow.

6. For my 30th birthday in June I'm going sky-diving. Can't remember if I already told you guys that, but it's my plan. I've wanted to do it forever, and I decided what better time than when I turn 30? Don't worry, I'll update my life insurance beforehand.

7. Um, erm, that may be it for now...or at least that's all I can remember at the moment. Oh! My hair is getting super long now. It's almost halfway down my back, which for me is crazy!

I think that's it. Love and kisses to all.

My Current Why List

Why is it in cartoons that the animals all walk on their back legs and don't wear pants (or at the most, wear a short, ill-fitting tshirt), but then all go to bed in flannel pajamas?

Why does the postal service (in every country that I've ever mailed something to or received something from anyway) always lie about when a package will be delivered? Filthy liars, they're always late.

Why is it that when I paint my nails the polish never seems to fully harden, and I wake up with sheet creases in it no matter how many hours before bed I paint my nails?

Why do Ice Ice Baby and Bust a Move put me in a super happy, dancey-dance mood no matter what is going on or where I am?

Why, when I've always hated running, do I love it so much now? The burn in my legs and my lungs are things I look forward to now.

Why do I always decide the house needs to be clean at 10 o'clock at night?

When I get groceries, why do I almost always forget the one thing I really needed in the first place?

Say Cheese!

Miss E is growing like a weed.
There is still the ongoing issue of no one taking pictures of her and I, so without those random times that I grab her and snap some of the two of us, there would be no photographic evidence that I exist.
In saying that, the other night she and I were home alone together and we were both in silly moods, so I decided to snap a few pictures.
Clearly she's scared of the flash now, and she's also entered into that weird age where when you tell her to smile or say "cheese" she offers this bizarre, squinty, tad bit crazy grin, which makes her eyes look like sliver moons and shows off her chipped front tooth.
*sigh*
That little ham kills me :)

Happy New Year, Dudes and Dudettes

Wow, it's hard to believe 2009 is really over. It was by far the fastest year of my life so far. In some ways the most difficult, and in others, the easiest. I thought a lot this year, about all kinds of stuff. I feel like I know myself a little better because of it.

True, I ignored my blog and pretty much everyone else's (especially over the last 6 months or so), and I'm sorry for that, but I think it may have been necessary for me. Just one last thing for me to stress about (though I actually did stress about it), while I was figuring some things out.

I haven't made any resolutions for 2010 per se, but I have made some decisions about what I'd like to change/do this year. I think I'll keep them to myself for now, just because all but one was pretty emotional to come by. The only one that wasn't difficult was the whole "eat three meals a day" thing, which you'd think that by 29 years of age, I'd have covered. Sadly, I do not. I still often end up only eating once, and paying for it when my body rebels.

Ellery is growing like crazy. And I'm sure everyone thinks their kid is amazing, but damn, she really is. She can speak in complete sentences, has a vocabulary like a three year old, knows the alphabet, can count to 13, knows her first and last names, how old she is, where she lives, and started potty training the day she turned 18 months. And she sings! Even does harmonies with me...and the dance moves, good grief! Never mind the typical baby that dances by bobbing their knees, this kid twirls and sways and shakes her little bum with amazing rhythm. For being 20 months old now, I'm stunned most days.

I really need to post some pictures on here soon, geez Louise...

Anyway, hope you all had a wonderful and healthy dose of holidays, and I wish you love and happiness for this year!

I Need a New Creative Outlet

I used to be a fairly creative person. I was always either writing (for myself), drawing, attempting some form of music, refinishing some piece of furniture - always with a project on the go. Now it seems as though I don't have time for anything.

Now this isn't meant to be some sort of whiny post, because as you can all attest, people get busy. I know you are all busy, everyone has their own things to do, life kind of takes over, so it's not about that.

It's about me letting myself get stifled.

I let myself get this way - into this routine of being a mommy, laundry service, wife, editor, and freelance writer - and now that's all I do.

I need to be creative! I need to take a class! I need to get back into photography! I need to do something to get my creative mind flowing again! Yi!

It's making me mental...or rather, it's making me extremely un-mental. At least as far as the right side of my brain goes.

And That's How You Know...

...that your little brother is just as awesome as you thought he was.

Because even though he both makes you want to scream in frustration and laugh till you pee your pants, at 17 years old and super cute, he'll send you an essay to help him out with, but will sign it like this:

NEWSFLASH!!!

My computer has temporarily (I hope!) been taken over by porn stars and men with permanent erections!

Now that I have your attention...I'm serious. Over the last 48 hours my home computer has been infected with some kind of crazy virus which randomly opens porn sites and commercials for viagra. Repeatedly. Without end. A brand new window every time.

This morning I woke up to 51 windows of porn. And though that might sound hot to some of you, I really didn't need to rub the sleep from my eyes to see screen after screen of muffless girls giving each other spankings. Ahem.

The really weird part about this, is that I *just* installed McAfee on my computer two weeks ago. It has been scanning and said that everything is nice and clean, but otherwise, my computer has been unprotected for years. And virus free. Go figure.

And the other part is that it keeps opening these things in Internet Explorer, which nobody uses. I'm a Firefox girl, so what the hell?

I dunno what's going on, but I know that it needs to be fixed. My computer is home all alone, turned off, most likely being infected by wave after wave of STD's by all the dirty porn stars and the men with the permanent erections that are screwing them...