How to Make An Ass of Yourself in Walmart
...which in reality turned into me sprinting out for an hour to look for a new fall jacket, but instead spending that time looking at baby stuff, and buying a bunch of new stuff for E.
Just as I was about to head for home, the Walmart sign caught my eye, and I decided that since it was already 9:15, most of the inbreds would be gone home for the night, so I could run in quickly and grab some essentials.
I called home and the husband asked me to pick him up some body wash..."whatever you think smells good." Okay. Whatever I think I want him to smell like - sounds easy enough.
As I sauntered through the parking lot, I got my mental list ready and prepared to crank it into high gear upon walking through the doors - get in and get out, keeping my time in that hell hole as brief as possible.
I careened down the aisles at breakneck speed, throwing in what I needed and wasting no time. As I made my way to the "personal hygiene" aisle and stopped in front of the manly scents, I stared up at the wall blankly. Arctic Ice? Sport Fresh? Sex Panther? London Gentleman?
(And on a side note - who comes up with these lame-ass names?)
I decided the only way to find something that I liked, and that the husband would smell good using would be to smell them all myself, so I started going through them all, popping the top, gently squeezing them, and taking a whiff. Some were not bad, some made my corneas burn, and others made me want to puke, but I soldiered on.
Halfway through my sniff test, a man walked up beside me and began looking at the wall as well. It was about that time that I was thinking that I should just ask him what he wore, then grab it and get out of there. After a moment though, I realized that he wasn't there for his usual scent, and was perusing for something new.
Finally I finished sniffing, and decided that I would go back to re-sniff a couple that I didn't mind. As I grabbed the first one, I realized the man was watching me (by this time he probably thought I had some sort of body wash fetish), so I coolly flipped the lid open, squeezed the body wash, and promptly squeezed it straight up my nose.
As I shrieked in surprise, I reached my hand up to my nose to try to wipe some of the body wash off, and a giggle escaped my lips. And that one little giggle opened up the flood gates, and I lost it, giggling hysterically - and when I looked up, the man was laughing out of control too. I kept wiping at my nose thinking to myself "You ass! Stop laughing! You should be totally mortified!" But in that moment, I knew how funny it was, and so it didn't even bother me when the guy actually reached over and wiped the side of my nose.
So we stood there and laughed, not having said anything to each other, just laughing, and then I announced "He's just going to have to pick his own damn body wash!" and I walked away.