Friday, May 15, 2009

'Tis the Season...

...for hella-big, killer spiders to invade my bathroom.

Seriously, could we just have one "spring" where spiders don't come up the drains? Please?

*I put spring in quotations because we have a snowfall warning in effect - for today.

Anyhoo, on to my monster arachnid story...

It's 6am, and I have just stumbled to the bathroom. I strip down, pee, wash my hands in the sink, then turn to start the shower. As I'm reaching for the faucet, I catch a glimpse of wild movement directly below me, about 4 inches from my toes.
I jump back and scream, then remember that I've got a sleeping husband, and sick, sleeping baby mere feet away, and I clamp my hands over my mouth and lower the octave on my scream.

Sidenote - It seems I haven't matured at all from
this whole spider debacle.

My huge, burly, 8 legged foe tries to fake me out with a "maybe I'll go left, maybe I'll go right, maybe I'll come right at you, no, I'm going left manoeuvre" while I just keep backing up towards the door, screaming into my hand, and panicking.

In about 12 seconds, these thoughts fly through my brain: I've got to get the f*ck out of here! Maybe I can go get Chris? Nope, that will just wake Ellery and she's sick, so she definitely needs her sleep. I'll go get a shoe and stomp him! No, that will still wake Ellery - let's face it, you're not exactly quiet when you're trying to murder something. Maybe I should just get in the shower and pretend he's not here? Then when I get out he might be gone...No stupid, because then while you're brushing your teeth or something he's going to be crawling up your legs! What can I kill him with that's long enough so that my hand is at least 2 feet from him, but that I can really squish him good?

So I wildly rip open the cupboards under the sink, silently praying (since aloud, I'm still screaming) that mysteriously there is a combat boot, a bottle of insecticide, a gun, or a bottle of hairspray and a lighter.

What I found was nail polish remover, toilet paper, tums, and such other items that definitely weren't going to help unless the spider either needed a manicure, had pooped himself, or had a tummy ache - all of which I wasn't planning on finding out.

But then suddenly, in the back, I caught sight of a bottle. A wonderful, nearly 2 foot tall bottle of drain cleaner!

I quickly yanked it out, poised myself above him, and SLAM, SLAM, SLAM!!! I repeatedly smashed the bottle down onto where the spider should have been. But every time I lifted my weapon, he would come scurrying out, having narrowly avoided death. He managed to get himself into the small groove between the tub and the floor, and pulled himself in to wait me out. He knew that the rounded corners of my bottle wouldn't fit into the space he'd gotten himself into.

But the more frustrated I got, the angrier I got, and the more I would slam the bottle down near him. I must have scared him a little, because he started making his way along the side of the tub, towards the wall behind the toilet. I watched him with the stealth of a lioness, and eventually his cockiness got the better of him, when instead of staying close to the perimeter, he decided to round off the curve between the wall and the tub, thus putting himself about 1.5 inches outside of his safety zone.

I grit my teeth, raised the bottle above my head, and said "Big mistake. Now you die, f*cker!"

And he did.

In a black, gooey, mess.

I left the remains and the bottle for the husband to dispose of, and went about my morning.


Blogger Ali Kat said...

I am so terrified of spiders I can't even kill them myself. I totally would have screamed and called hubby! Oh, and probably sh*t my pants ;)

1:02 PM  
Blogger Slyde said...

my wife goes BATSHIT over spiders or crickets in the house...

drives me batty..

1:33 PM  
Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

Honestly, I'm never going to stop being amused by monster spider posts- either yours or mine. :P

1:55 PM  
Blogger terri said...

It's gotta be the climate. I have the same problem this time of year. They like my whirlpool tub. Luckily, the whirlpool tub is apparently only for decoration and no one uses it. There's a handheld shower sprayer. I turn on the HOT water and spray them down the drain.

One of them found his way to the family room the other day. My cat was curiously folling him. I went and found a winter boot and went through the same "smash-dammit-smash-dammit-smash-dammit-GOT YA!" routine.

8:33 PM  
Blogger terri said...



not "folling." DOH!

8:34 PM  
Blogger James said...

Ali that was funny. Laundry Fairy would have woken me. The best "Spider times" are when we have just finished an argument then she will be "attacked" by a spider (ie there is one in a room she wants to go in) and she has to suddenly be nice to me so I will come and rescue her.
I am always like "oh, so you need me now?"

2:51 AM  
Blogger Chief Rock Chef said...

Yay, you killed the little B£$%£&D!

You need a dog like Custard,who eats them on sight! Just make sure he doesn't lick your face too soon after...

5:49 AM  
Blogger Sitting In Silence said...


7:46 PM  

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