Thursday, April 16, 2009

Will Some Intelligent, Cute, Single Woman in Winnipeg Please Date This Guy?

I absolutely have to set this post up with a precursor, otherwise people are going to get the total wrong view of me.

So...I've been doing extra freelance lately, and a lot of what I've been finding is coming from Craigslist. Now I've read other bloggers who have talked about it in the past, but until about 2 months ago, I was a virgin. Craigslist wise that is. Turns out? You can find pretty much anything you want on there!
A couple weeks ago I decided to check out the rest of the site, and I came upon the personals. Initially I was looking for stay at home moms in my area, the kind that want to set up play dates and stuff - but a little farther down the column was the rest of the ads, and one caught my eye - it said "I'm Not a Rocket Surgeon..."
So me, being the grammar geek that I am, was immediately rolling my eyes thinking "It's rocket scientist, idiot!" I figured the rest of his ad must be just as brutal, so I decided to read it for my own torture and amusement.
What I read amazed me. Not only was this dude hilarious, but he actually explained why he said rocket surgeon!!! I wish I had a single girlfriend I could set up with this guy, because even if they didn't hit it off, he is sure to be fun to hang out with!
I saved his ad to share it with you guys. And I swear, I wasn't searching the personals for myself...

Want to know about me? I wear contacts. More? Yes? Tough. You'll have to message me.

**Gonna start this off with a warning, please do not stalk me. It's happened to me before, it's not fun, and I will call the police. Thanks.**

I know what I want in life, and I'm looking for someone who knows the same. I'm sick to the teeth of dating girls, what I'm really searching for is an attractive woman, either a young professional or student, someone who's going somewhere, and with whom I can discuss such diverse topics as politics, religion, philosophy, psychology, social issues, and coffee/tea. No, that was not a typo, I truly enjoy hot beverages. Or hot beverages which have been cooled, mixed with milk or fruit juice and blended with ice. Perhaps we could discuss the above over said drinks. The ideal applicant is between the ages of 18 and 30. No older than 30 please, I'm seeking someone I could realistically build a life with should the fancy strike us. Intelligence is mandatory. I don't do drugs, and I would prefer if you don't either.

I will be attending the U of M in September. My long-term goals, at the moment, are attaining a degree in law, finding a woman whose company I enjoy, and with whom I would like to invest a substantial portion of my life in, owning a massive beach-house, and sky-diving Everest. Maybe flying a modified MiG fighter to the edge of space and seeing the curvature of the earth. I don't know, I'm not a rocket surgeon.

You know, a lot of people think that a rocket surgeon is someone who performs surgery on a rocket. This is not the case, such a person is no more than a glorified mechanic. No, the job of a rocket surgeon is far more complicated than that. A rocket surgeon is someone who performs surgery whilst aboard a rocket. The turbulence makes it that much more difficult.

I would describe myself as fashionable, adventurous, compassionate, thought not a bleeding heart, confident in myself, my choices, and my course, self-reliant, and someone who really likes East Indian food. Seriously, if you haven't tried it already, email me and that'll be date number 2. Number one is is something where we'll invest a little less in each other, so if you're a total freak I can feign remembering that I had to floss my cat or some other such nonsense and cut it short.

I suppose I should throw you some stats. I'm white, and I'm clean. That is, sexually, hygienically, and narcotically. Which I don't think is a word, but what the hell.

If you've read all this, congratulations, I'm not actually looking. Just kidding. Email me a tidbit about yourself, and a picture. You know, so that I can confirm that you're not an eighty year old homosexual named Timmy. Because that would make relations with my neighbor really awkward. I'll reciprocate. Deal? Deal. Oh, and don't even think about asking me to sign up for any dating websites.

P.S. Brownie points if you can tell me what defenestrate means without looking it up. Double brownie points if you send me money ;) just kidding.

Is that not the best personal ad ever?


Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

Damn- why do I have to be too old?
That's awesome!

12:26 PM  
Blogger Chief Rock Chef said...

That was great! Hope he finds someone.

Princess - write to him anyway - he would have to be a total schmuck not to make an exception for you.

3:05 AM  
Blogger Slyde said...

i'd like to hook him up with an 80 year old homosexual named timmy..

10:03 AM  
Blogger Ookami Snow said...

That is awesome, I want to date him and I am a married straight man.

11:42 AM  
Blogger James said...

I know what defenstrate means! It specifically means to throw a person out of a window. As in "The Defenstration Of Praque" which started off the Thirty Years War....I promise I didn't look it up.
Am I the only one of us who didn't like this guy? He talks too much and is a control freak. He is already planning what you are going to do on your first two dates.
Trust me. He is not as "easy going" as he sounds.

7:52 PM  
Blogger James said... know Timmy too? He lives next door to me.

7:53 PM  

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