If I Could Say What I Really Wanted To...
1. Get over yourself. For someone who claims to have no self confidence, you're pretty into bragging about how great you are.
2. Leave him alone. He loves you, he'd do anything for you - why do you continually have to bitch and nag at him? When he's gone you'll finally realize what you have, but it will be too late.
3. You have to be one of the dumbest and most annoying people on the face of the earth. I don't know how anyone puts up with you. My eyes nearly roll out of my head when I hear about some of the dumb things you do.
4. You want the two of us to be close - at least, you used to tell me that. But your constant nagging, and the way you make me feel like everything I do is wrong, makes me seriously wonder if that will ever happen.
5. You are great at your job, and honestly one of the best cashiers I've ever had. I always hope to get you when I'm in line at Safeway. But I'm sorry for the way people act towards you when they realize you're deaf.
6. You have hideous hair, your eyes scare me to no end, and I can't believe you're not dead yet from how many cigarettes you smoke in a day. Yellow nails and teeth are not sexy.
7. What is wrong with you? She is the best thing in your life and she's slipping away! Get your shit together, put down your drink, get on a plane, and go and tell her you can't live without her!
8. Put on a bra. Your boobs are not supposed to look like they grow out of your elbows.
9. I still can't believe that you believe in the "pull out" method - you're 30 years old. I also can't believe you've never worried about catching an STD. I explained it all to like you were a 14 year old in health class and you still didn't get it. I meant it when I said don't come crying to me when something bad happens.
10. You really need to get a new headshot. In the one you use for everything, you look like an aging vampire with purple lips! You're much more attractive than that in real life.
11. I believe in God too, and it's wonderful to be so thankful. However, I don't think it's necessary to point up and close your eyes, saying "It's all because of Him. We need to thank Him," every time you find a penny in the street, or you remember to switch the laundry.