My Convo With "Connie"
-Husband likes zombies
-He picked out a new zombie book he wants
-What's more romantic than a zombie book on Valentine's Day?
-Last night I decided to go track it down for him
My conversation with an employee at Chapter's follows.
And from here on in, I will refer to said employee as: Desperate-for-something-other-to-do-than-line-up-the-dictionaries-Needs-to-find-a-more-challenging-job-Desperately-needs-someone-to-help-her-apply-eyeliner-without-a-Crayola-marker - Or Connie, for short.
Me: Excuse me, but can you tell me where I might find a book about zombies?
Connie: Oh, I can help you look for one!
Me: Well I actually know which one I'm looking for, I just don't know what section I should be looking in...
Connie: Well come over here! We can look them up for you!
Me: Well it's just the one book - I know the title and authors name already.
Connie: Well let's just see what we get when we type in "zombies" here!
Me: But I have the authors name...can't we just search for him?
Connie: Oh, it's more fun to see what comes up with a big search!
Connie begins scrolling through the 1126 results that have come up under "zombies".
Connie: Oooh, there's a lot of books about zombies!
Me: Yes, but I really just need this particular one.
Connie: Alriiiight (she sounds almost defeated), we'll try that.
I hand her the paper with the title and author on it, because there is no way in hell I can pronounce this guys last name.
Connie: Wow! That looks German! Don't you think that looks German? Wow!
Me: I suppose...
Connie: I wonder if many German people write zombie books?
Me: I have no idea.
Connie: Nope! We don't have that book! Isn't that weird?
Me: Weird? Um, I guess - but maybe it's just a new book or something?
Connie: Come with me, we'll check our other system.
Me: (starting to get a little wary of Connie and her eyeliner by this point) Okay...
She sprints over to a desk nearby and starts typing madly into a system that I'm sure was around when Jesus was a boy.
Connie: Okay, let's see...
I slowly walk over to the desk and lean on one elbow.
Connie: Okay, I'm just gonna punch this info in here again...
Connie: Uh huh, okay...
Connie: Okay, not there.
Connie: Hmm, alright, let's try this.
Connie: Nope, not there.
Connie: Okay, how about? Hmm, okay, hmm.
Connie: Nope! What the heck?
Connie: Oh, we should try this too.
I put my other elbow up on the desk and lower my face down into my hands, squishing my cheeks.
Connie: Oh! I should try this!
Me: Really, it's okay. If you don't have it it's no problem...
Connie: Well I'm just going to check a few more things.
At this point I'm wondering if Chapter's has some sort of parallel universe where they keep other books, because Connie is searching a hell of a lot of places by the sounds of things.
Connie: I just want to try this quick, then I'll show you what comes up on the screen.
I'm wondering if maybe she found it at another location? That would be okay - I'd have no problem going to get it.
Connie: Okay, nope, not there either. Here, look at this!
She turns her ancient screen towards me to show me that she has Googled the authors name and the title of the book. I am not shitting you. Why she figured she was helping me out by googling it was beyond me. I know what I'm looking for - all I want to know is if you have this particular book in this particular location!
Me: See, uh, I already know what I'm looking for right? So googling it isn't really going to help - I just need to know if...
Connie: Oh!!!! I know! Let me try this!
Me: Really, I should just go...
Connie: No! Wait right there! This will be great!
At this point I can feel my cheeks getting red, as I'm nearing that point where I'm going to have a little freak out on Connie - if the husband would have been there, this is about the time he would have started to back away and pretend we weren't together.
Me: Listen. I have had...
Connie: Here it is!!! Look at all these!
She whips the screen around again to show me that she had typed "list of zombie books" into Wikipedia. And up has come - get this - an entire list of authors who have written zombie books! (Please note my sarcasm here)
Connie: Isn't that great?!?!
At this point I realize how proud she is of being able to "help me" by giving me an entire list of zombie book authors, since she wasn't able to locate the actual book I wanted. She was actually beaming at me in excitement.
Me: (smiling in spite of myself) Wow, would you look at that? So many books to choose from!
Connie: And now you can go home, pull up this list for your husband, and have him pick out a new book!
Me: That is just...great. Thank you so much for all your help Connie...
Connie: Wait! I'll just jot down this url for you!
Me: Uh, I can probably just type "list of zombie books" into Wikipedia and find it...
Connie: Oh, I'll just write it quick, give me one sec!
Two minutes later she handed me a piece of paper with the longest url I've ever seen - I'd have to be a mathematician to get all the backslashes and percent signs right.
Me: Thank you so much! You have just been so helpful!
Connie: It's a pleasure! And if he picks another one I can help you find it!
Then I started backing away, towards the escalator, and when my feet hit those stairs I ran.