Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Absolute Bane of My Existence

This table.

This mother@*%$er of a table causes me more stress and pissed off moments than it's worth. For the life of me, I can not keep it clean. It's like some sort of weird vortex that sucks up every miscellaneous piece of junk lying around our house, and displays it in this explosion of garbage.

I've actually given up trying to clean it up before we have company now (unless they're staying for dinner), because everyone who knows me, also knows about the issues I have with this table. No sense trying to hide it, they all know I would have just cleaned it off for them anyways, so who cares?

It's been clean a total of about 10 times since we got it a few months after we got married. That was over 7 years ago. Appalling, isn't it?

Usually when we have friends over for dinner I'll do a mad house cleaning, then when I get to the table I just take everything off, pile it in a laundry basket or bin, transfer the bin into the bedroom or laundry room, wipe the table down with a cloth and ta da! Good as new, and it looks great!

The problem with that, is that I never ever get back to all the stuff I cleared off the table in the first place, so it becomes a problem elsewhere in the house. Plus, usually by the next morning the table is mysteriously sporting a newspaper, a water glass, some loose change, a jacket over one of the chairs, a cell phone bill, a hydro bill, some random piece of clothing...it's very peculiar.

So I know, you're all thinking "Ali! If you hate it so much, and you obviously don't eat off it, then why the hell don't you just ignore the stupid thing, and let it be messy if it wants to?"

My answer to that, is this:Yeah, see her? Well in a few weeks time, that little monster is going to be sitting in her brand new highchair, trying her first bite of infant cereal. And then will come the veggies, and the fruits, and all the rest, which means that the husband and I are going to have to be sitting at that table with her. I just can't justify starting my kid off eating in front of the tv (which is where the husband and I usually eat now). Because then, you know, in 12 years or so she'll be this chubby little nightmare, and we'll be on Maury, and she'll be this out of control, obese hellion, who is yelling at me "I don't have to listen to you bitch, you're not the boss of me!" and we'll end up sending her to boot camp...and you know, I just don't want to be the cause of that just because I let her sit in front of the tv to eat.

You know?

I'm thinking of just setting the table and everything that's on it on fire, then buying a new, smaller one, so there is less space to pile crap on, thus making it easier to keep it clean...


Blogger Chief Rock Chef said...

Our dining table has constant crap all over it. However, at meal times, it all gets cleared to the nearest space while we eat.

Meal times at the table ate SO important. It is a dying habit (apparently a lot of people in the UK only do it on special occasions now) but it is really important for family bonding, as you obviously know!

So whatever happens to the stuff on it, keep the table and get ready for FAMILY MEAL TIME! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

3:38 AM  
Blogger Wreggie said...

We have a huge dinning room table that is covered in God knows what. I paid a fortune for that dumping table.

6:06 AM  
Blogger Judy said...

Funny about going on the Maury show!

9:10 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

Very entertaining post! I'm pretty sure you're just venting, so I won't offer any advice on how to deal with this problem...even though that is very hard for an organizationally-obsessed person like myself (it's a sickness I have, my husband has finally accepted it).

By the way, Ellery is so adorable!

9:42 AM  
Blogger Slyde said...

is that a Yellow Pig on the table?

3:27 PM  
Blogger Irene said...

Baskets. I cannot stress this enough. Get some baskets (something attractive looking) and put them under the table. Throw everything into the baskets. Keep the table with a centre piece and table cloth too- that way it looks too nice to dump on.
That said, I too have issues with my dining room table, and the hutch, and the general "entrance to the house" area.

Haha, and um, yeah, maybe I shouldn't offer advice and just let you vent, but I couldn't resist. You can tell me to shut up anytime :P

4:40 PM  
Blogger terri said...

Our table is usually VERY tidy.

Don't ask me about the snack bar in the kitchen.

6:39 PM  
Anonymous Zack said...

you just need another table - a "store stuff table" - for us its our dining room table! It's always covered in crap, cuz we seem to dump stuff off there as we walk by - but because of that our kitchen table is usually clear and ready for eating! woo hoo!

7:09 PM  
Blogger Jasonmrazfanluv said...

I love your blog lol!

8:55 PM  
Blogger Judy said...

Everyone has a place they put STUFF like that. Mine is a desk in the kitchen that we had built for that purpose. I do try to take the time to clear it off from time to time so it doesn't get out of hand. But it isn't in my way there.

8:56 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

Rock Chef - Yeah, at my parents' house we all eat as a family too, and I love it. Husband and I always said that once we had kids we would do it too...but damn that mess sucks!

Wreggie - LOL. It's hilarious how many ways we are alike.

Judy - I laughed when I wrote it :) and maybe when we finally have a house, I'll just devote an entire room to the "stuff".

Laura - I'm pretty organized everywhere else, but this table is just my Achilles Heel in the way of cleaning :(

Slyde - Yes. It is. Apparently you've never read the post on the death of that pigs brother - Kevin Bacon. Hehe :)

Irene - I think if I buy any more baskets my husband may divorce me! But hmmm, that table cloth idea is not too shabby :)

Terri - Thank God! I thought you were going to say you were tidy everywhere!

zack - Nah, what I need is a house!!!

Jasonmrazfanluv - Thanks! I checked yours out too :)

9:07 AM  
Anonymous Dee said...

In reality...we all have those tables, drawers, closets (whole rooms we dare not let another human being into for fear they may never come out again and we will have to wade in to claim their body!!!). Ummm...yeah, common experience. ~~Dee

6:24 AM  
Blogger Sitting in Silence said...

Ali...How about we burn your table with my car.....? Trust me girl after we cut the legs off ...it's bound to fit !


10:32 PM  

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