Dear Sam Elliott,

I just finished watching Roadhouse for like the 78th time, and as always happens when I watch that movie, I was suddenly reminded of my extreme crush on you.

I know most people watching that movie are either there for the fight scenes, or for Patrick Swayze, but I feel that you, my dear Sam, are simply intoxicating.

Plus, the sex scene Swayze has with Blondie McDoctor is like the least sexy thing I have ever seen, so I just kind of ignore him. Which, I might add, is not an easy feat, since he is in about 98% of the movie.

Anyways...back to my crush...

See, since the first time I saw you in a movie when I was about 15, I have always thought you were incredibly sexy, and the fact that you always play such genuinely cool characters makes me want to jump your bones. And your voice, eeeeeee! That voice! It makes me weak in the knees!

So out of my own morbid curiosity, I decided to go online to read up a little about you. It seems that you were born in August of 1944 - which would make you 64 years old. Hmm. That's a little older than I was expecting. See, I was born in 1980, which makes me 28 years old. And if my math skills are up to par, that would mean I'm 36 years your junior. Hmm again.

Now I don't mean to be ageist here Sam, but do you see my dilemma? By the time I'm 40 you'll be 76! I think you are an incredible man, however I just don't think I can commit myself to someone so much older. I'm so sorry.

But if you ever want to hang out, or whisper sweet nothings in my ear, then I'm your girl. And actually, I would like to kiss you just once, so if you're up for it...

Until then,

Ali