Anyways, in the wake of the last several months, with being sick more times than I care to recall, trips to the ER, just generally not feeling well, and a doctor or ultrasound appointment at least once a week - I've come to the realization that I just might not be able to handle sticking around till the end of April. It almost makes me cry to type it.
I love my job (though sometimes I wonder why) but it seems that as of late I just can't get ahead. Every time I make some progress I have to go to an appointment, or work from home and I just don't feel like I'm pulling my weight at work. In fact, I know I'm not. I'm drowning in a sea of deadlines and un-proofed ads and it's really taking a toll.
Last week in the midst of a breakdown I called Zig into my office and told him that I couldn't do it. That the sooner he could get me out and my replacement in, the better. I usually thrive on stress and deadlines, but lately I'm cracking under the pressure. And in truth, I'm burnt out.
So, this week they're starting interviews to replace me. And it's come as quite a shock that I really don't want to deal with it. I want to be out, away from the turmoil, but the idea of someone else stepping in to fill my shoes is almost more than I can bear.
I just think of all the work I've done to build a rapport with all my contacts, and how much I've put into that place, and even how I finally got my own office and have it exactly the way I want it - and now there will be someone else there...at my desk, on my phone, laughing with my clients. The designers will be going to someone else now when they have questions - someone who I worry will be better than me, and that will not just replace me, but show me up.
I'm even realizing that I'll miss when one of the boys huffs and then yells in an irritated tone "Ali...can you come in here please?" like I'm being called to the principals office. Or when Krista will stroll into my office much more calmly to say "Uh, have you called Sue yet?" and I'll let off a string of expletives and she'll know that I totally forgot.
Is it normal to be so undecided on how I feel about this?
Obviously being home with the baby for a year wins - there's no dispute there. But...I love my job...sigh...