Monday, March 17, 2008

Undecided

My plan was to work till the last day in April. I figured that would give me nearly two weeks before my due date to catch a breather and nap till I got bed sores before the bean makes their appearance. I doubt there's much chance I'll go into labour early - I'm pretty sure this baby will be a procrastinator like me.

Anyways, in the wake of the last several months, with being sick more times than I care to recall, trips to the ER, just generally not feeling well, and a doctor or ultrasound appointment at least once a week - I've come to the realization that I just might not be able to handle sticking around till the end of April. It almost makes me cry to type it.

I love my job (though sometimes I wonder why) but it seems that as of late I just can't get ahead. Every time I make some progress I have to go to an appointment, or work from home and I just don't feel like I'm pulling my weight at work. In fact, I know I'm not. I'm drowning in a sea of deadlines and un-proofed ads and it's really taking a toll.

Last week in the midst of a breakdown I called Zig into my office and told him that I couldn't do it. That the sooner he could get me out and my replacement in, the better. I usually thrive on stress and deadlines, but lately I'm cracking under the pressure. And in truth, I'm burnt out.

So, this week they're starting interviews to replace me. And it's come as quite a shock that I really don't want to deal with it. I want to be out, away from the turmoil, but the idea of someone else stepping in to fill my shoes is almost more than I can bear.

I just think of all the work I've done to build a rapport with all my contacts, and how much I've put into that place, and even how I finally got my own office and have it exactly the way I want it - and now there will be someone else there...at my desk, on my phone, laughing with my clients. The designers will be going to someone else now when they have questions - someone who I worry will be better than me, and that will not just replace me, but show me up.

I'm even realizing that I'll miss when one of the boys huffs and then yells in an irritated tone "Ali...can you come in here please?" like I'm being called to the principals office. Or when Krista will stroll into my office much more calmly to say "Uh, have you called Sue yet?" and I'll let off a string of expletives and she'll know that I totally forgot.

Is it normal to be so undecided on how I feel about this?

Obviously being home with the baby for a year wins - there's no dispute there. But...I love my job...sigh...

6 Comments:

Blogger Laura said...

Ali - I think it's totally, 100% normal that you're feeling this way. You clearly love your job, and any time you have to set something you love aside for awhile is always hard...but it sounds like you work with a great group of people who will definitely not forget you while you're gone.

8:45 AM  
Blogger Rock Chef said...

Ali, I know how much your job means to you and it will be hard to step back and hand over to someone else. But your life is about to make a quantum change, nothing will ever be the same again, it is a scarey time, but you will come out of it bigger and better than ever.

9:03 AM  
Blogger Judy said...

Do whatever you need to do to be healthy and bring Butterbean safely into the world.

10:36 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

I know you love your job and you're very good at it, but it's time to take break, and enjoy our bean....

Work will always be there for you, and your contacts won't forget you.

Plus, what's better than hanging around with me for the entire year off? ;)

3:11 PM  
Anonymous terri said...

It's perfectly normal to you to feel so conflicted about this, but I think you're doing the right thing, both for your health and that of butterbean. I PROMISE the minute you hold your baby in your arms, all that doubt will completely dissolve.

5:38 PM  
Blogger Sitting in Silence said...

Time to enjoy Bean....They grow up so fast.....

I remember the first time I went on Mat leave....I used to pop in once a week because I missed them all so much...

Now 12 years down the track I spend my days thinking up excuses to avoid the place...LMAO..

7:51 PM  

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