Monday, August 13, 2007

The Weekend From Hell...

This is a long, long convoluted story - so I'll do my best to narrow it down to what you really need to know to understand how hellish the weekend was...but, well, as you know...I'm long winded...so this will probably be long...oh yeah, it will be for sure...

First off, you must know that last week was long and exhausting and I was looking forward to a weekend of overtime, pyjamas, movies, guitar and music. Friday afternoon as Krista and I were in the middle of a hysterical breakdown (hysterical laughter and extreme exasperation) my mom called and told me that her and my brother Matthew were bored and they wanted to come into the city. She said they might even want to go to Grand Forks, North Dakota for the weekend since it's only a few hours from Winnipeg.
Usually I would be happy about all of that - them coming in to visit and especially about going shopping in the states - Helloooo Target!
But, as I said, I was planning on doing not much of anything for the entire weekend...sigh, oh well, maybe it would be fun, right?
Saturday morning I get up at 6:30 and am in the office by 8am. Krista and I had scads of work to do and decided to try to get a head start on this week. We were there till about 12:30, then I drove home to throw some things in an overnight bag. My mom and brother were there at about 1 to pick me up and we were off.
My mom was in a panic about driving in Grand Forks so we decided I would drive (oh yeah, 75 mph on I-29!), and her job was to decide on a hotel before we got there so we didn't have to drive around like crazy people looking for one later.
You should also know that my mom and brother were both overtired and were pretty hyper - it was weird, my mom kept screaming "Whooooo!" every 20 minutes or so, trying to pump me up! It made me laugh because it was something I would do.
I think the easiest way to explain this to you is in a timeline (it may be shorter this way too):
5pm - we arrive in Grand Forks
5:15 - we're parked at Old Navy
5:45 - we're on our way into Super Target
7:00 - we decide we should get a hotel room and begin driving
7:15 - we have passed 10 hotels and my mom refuses to tell me which one to try
7:30 - I turn the car around and head back the way we came, telling my mom to just decide already
7:45 - my mom and I are yelling at each other because neither one of us wants to pick a hotel

*In case you are wondering why I wouldn't just pick a hotel...it always ends up that something is wrong with the one I pick and then it's my fault, so I refuse to pick any more...until this weekend, which was a bad idea*

7:55 - I get pissed off, yank the car into the first hotel I see (which is a Days Inn) and go in to see if there are rooms available - there aren't
8:15 - 3 hotels later, still no room
8:20 - I yell "where is the damn Ramada? let's just freaking go there already!" (my mom had been talking about the stupid Ramada for hours - but it was off another exit and she didn't want to backtrack)
8:35 - we turn off at exit 141 (where the Ramada is supposed to be) - I ask my mom "left or right?" she says "definitely left"
8:37 - I turn left
8:43 - it is becoming clear that there is no Ramada on this side of the interstate
8:50 - I pull a u-turn and yell "we're stopping at the next hotel, I don't care what it is!"
8:56 - we stop at the Settle Inn - it looks decent from the outside so I go in to book a room - all they have left is smoking - I say "I don't care, we'll take it"
9:05 - we walk into the room
9:06 - my brother and I are gagging on the cigarette smoke
9:07 - we realize the room has double beds, my mom realizes the t.v. remote doesn't work
9:08 - I tell my brother there is no way he is sleeping with me
9:10 - he's holding a phone book above his head ready to slam it down on me because there is a fly on my back
9:12 - my mom is yelling at us because I jumped up, grabbed the book and threw it at him, now he's swearing
9:15 - I smash the fly against the window and squish guts on the phone book
9:20 - we decide to go find supper, my brother decides to pee before we go
9:23 - he comes out of the bathroom laughing and tells us the bathroom door won't close - I tell him he's an idiot, who can't close a bathroom door?
9:26 - we realize that the lock on the back door of the hotel has been punched out, so anyone can walk in whenever they want
9:27 - we are back in the car
9:40 - I am freaking out because my mom has me totally lost - my brother is laughing in the backseat and my mom is giggling in the front
9:42 - I decide to turn around because I think I know where I should be going
9:43 - I realize I am in the wrong lane and cars are coming at me - I scream, hit the has, and crank the car into a gas station parking lot - my mom and brother are screaming like little girls
9:44 - I brake in the parking lot, start to laugh and end up in a sobbing fit because I am so frustrated - my mom does too, and my brother just keeps laughing in the backseat
9:50 - I calm down, turn the car around and very calmly find my way to where I want to go
10:00 - we sit down in a restaurant for dinner
10:45 - we are on our way back to the hotel
11:00 - we get in the room and I decide to go pee - I go into the bathroom, begin to pull the door closed behind me and WHAM! the door stops
11:01 - I hear my brother laughing because he knows what just happened
11:02 - I realize that the door is shifted, so much so that it leaves a 6 inch gap between the door and the door frame
11:03 - I reef on the door and it slams closed, but the piece of molding along the inside of the door (full of nails by the way) comes flying at me and ends up hitting the tub
11:04 - my mom is outside the door asking me if I'm alright - I'm laughing and swearing, tell her I'm fine and I'll be right out
11:07 - I'm pushing on the bathroom door...it won't budge
11:08 - my mom is pulling and I'm pushing on the door
11:09 - I come crashing through the bathroom door
11:10 - my brother is laughing so hard that he's on the bed crying (see below)
11:20 - we are still laughing about the door
11:22 - we realize the alarm clock keeps turning on and off
11:30 - I decide I'm exhausted and we all go to bed - my mom and brother in one bed, me in the other
11:37 - my mom is snoring so loud that you would swear she's faking - she's not
11:55 - I realize I'm not sleeping tonight and start to laugh
11:56 - my brother starts laughing too
8:00am - I finally get up after sleeping approximately 45 minutes, and go the bathroom for a shower...the door stays open 6 inches because I'm not risking getting stuck again
9:00 - my mom and brother finally get up
9:10 - my mom calls me over to the sink and tells me to lean on the counter
9:11 - I do and it almost rips off the wall - she's standing there laughing
9:12 - I declare that this is the shittiest hotel EVER and that I can't wait to get out of here
9:19 - we walk into the Perkins next door for breakfast
9:27 - our waitress F's up my order, for once in my life I keep my mouth shut because I'm delirious from lack of sleep
9:35 - my mom is pouting because she realizes that she kept me awake all night (wow, she's good at pouting - I must have learned it from her)
10:00 - we leave Perkins in search of an open shopping place, Walmart must be open, right?
10:21 - nope - Walmart isn't open - nothing is
10:25 - we are all laughing - it's just ridiculous how nothing is going our way
10:34 - I decide that we should drive over to the mall - I'd rather be there than Walmart when it opens
10:40 - we pull into the parking lot and I find a spot right near the door
10:41 - we spend the next 20 minutes laughing at other losers like us that thought stores would be open at this time on a Sunday
11:00 - my mom and bro decide to go into the mall (the doors are open, but stores are closed) to look around - I decide to stay in the car and try to sleep
11:?? - my brother sneaks back to the car and takes a picture of me sleeping through the open window (see below)


The rest of the day is peppered with rude people, more delirious laughing fits, a lineup at the border, a-hole senior citizens, pigeon-toed morons and way more construction than a highway should have. Oh, and halfway home the airbag light came on - my mom read the instruction manual and it said that can mean one of two things: 1. If we get into an accident the airbags may fail to deploy, or 2. the airbags may deploy at any moment while driving. Spectacular. I shoved my seat back as far as I could while still reaching the pedals and hauled ass home, even though my mom was begging me to slow down.
Hello? We are on a stretch of farm highway in the middle of nowhere - it's not like we're going to run into anything, and I'd rather lessen my chances of having my nose broken because my brother breathed too hard in the backseat and deployed the air bag.
So, we pull into Winnipeg and my mom says "let's go for supper somewhere". At this point I'd rather be dead, but I say fine because that means I don't have to feed them at my house.
Supper is almost done and my mom says "um, can we drive through the Tim Horton's drive thru on the way home for coffee?" I say fine - but it's the drive thru ONLY and that there will be no more stops.
We leave the restaurant and drive to Horton's - then she says "oh, maybe we should buy donuts for the morning, what kind do they have?" I screech into a parking spot and say "you have 5 minutes, go in, get the donuts and let's go home." When they come back out my brother is holding the box of donuts and starts pretending he is an ape coming across the parking lot - I honk the horn just as he's walking by the car and he screams. I laugh. And laugh and laugh and laugh. Then I start to cry.
Please understand that I am beyond exhausted by now and my emotions are running wild. My mom gets into the car yelling at me, sees that I've started to cry, starts laughing, and ends up crying herself. My brother can't contain himself and starts laughing at both of us. I threaten his life if he doesn't quit being an ass.
Finally we are on the home stretch...just minutes from my apartment and my own bed.
When we walk in the door I see the bag of garbage still sitting at the door...the clothes are still in the dryer, and the dishes are still in the sink. Oy.
I suddenly get a burst of energy and spend the next 2 hours doing laundry, changing sheets, putting dishes away and tidying up before crashing very, very hard into bed at 11pm.

This morning I was up at 5:30 to get ready for work...this is the sunrise that greeted me on my way out of my parking spot. So I opened up at work this morning and I shut the office down tonight - I am wiped out. The husband will be home from baseball shortly and I plan on being in bed by 10pm.

Hope you all had more pleasurable and relaxing weekends than me!

5 Comments:

Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

Oh Ali, I love you...that sucks so much. I feel so badly while at the same time laughing my ass off...
You do know how to tell a story!

I hope you get some sleep tonight!

10:53 PM  
Blogger mr zig said...

sounds like a pretty bad weekend! hehe - was the hotel you finally "settled" for really called the settle inn? hehe - thats too funny!

11:16 PM  
Blogger AaroN said...

Awesome!

Now this is what a vacation-synopsis is all about! :D

6:53 AM  
Blogger Reggie said...

Damn...I had to bookmark this and come back to finish. You know I have a short attention span.

2:31 PM  
Blogger James said...

That was painfully funny but very good...

2:54 AM  

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