Thursday, July 10, 2008

Friday Night Family Time and Fake Orgasms

The following is a conversation held between myself and my 42 year old uncle several weeks ago.

His stats: Single, straight, pharmacist, good looking, uber-nice, shy, and too picky for his own good.

Now allow me to set the stage...

9:30 pm, his house, my mom just went to go pee, I just finished breast-feeding Ellery (which was awkward enough all on its own at his house), and was changing her tenth shitty diaper of the day when suddenly one tv show ends and another comes on.

I don't know what the show was, but it was Friday night and we were watching Showcase. After 8pm that just means that whatever you're watching is going to be soft core porn, so of course on screen there is a man and woman having sex (under the covers). By the look on her face she is obviously just waiting for him to finish while he is no doubt picturing himself as a brazen sex god.

The phone rings once, she increases her moans, the phone rings twice, she throws her head back and digs her nails into his back, the phone rings a third time and she is yelling in ecstasy, the phone rings a fourth time and she tells him to answer it. He looks at her and says "But I want you to finish", she says "Oh, I just did" and kisses him on the lips. He instantly busts into a huge I-am-the-freaking-MAN grin, and rolls off her to answer the phone.

In the midst of wiping Ellery's butt I say sarcastically "Oh RIGHT! If she finished then I'm Jessica Simpson..."

A moment of silence while I'm shaking my head and rolling my eyes.

Uncle: What?

Me: (suddenly painfully aware that he is in the room) Huh? Oh, uh, I was just saying that there is no way she finished. She faked it.

Another moment of silence while my uncle stares at me and thinks this over.

Uncle: What makes you say that?

Me: Uh...(I can feel my face getting hot and I try to make my brain work a little faster)...well, she, like, uh...well okay, she was just sitting there biding her time waiting for him to finish right? Then the phone rings and she sees that as her ticket out of there, so she throws in a couple moans, arches her back a bit, lets out a yell and she's home free.

Uncle: WHAT?

Me: Well I mean come on! It doesn't just sneak up on you like know?

Another extremely awkward silence as I'm praying for my mom to come back from the bathroom and save me from this conversation.

Uncle: And you could tell that from watching her?

Me: Yes. Women fake it. And she's a shitty actress.

Uncle: Really? Hmm...

Finally my mom walks in and I jump up and tell her I am ready to leave - like pronto. I tell her about the conversation in the car and we laugh for 15 minutes.
Gotta love explaining fake orgasms to your uncle.


Blogger tz said...

so at 42 this is not something he knew?????

yikes, I can imagine him remembering(and don't know him, so just imagining any guy at 42 who just discovered that women can sometimes fake) every single woman he was with and trying to figure out if it was real or not...poor guy ;)

10:32 AM  
Anonymous terri said...

Oh, poor guy! He was way too interested in how you knew all this. The wheels were definitely turning in his brain as he thought back to past experiences and tried to figure out if they were real or fake. LOL!

3:37 PM  

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