Ali and the Monster Spider
So he came in like a child caught doing something he wasn't supposed to, I asked him how work was, we chatted for a few minutes and then we both drifted to sleep. I rolled and tossed until about 10:45.
I never sleep that long anymore, but my body felt exhausted. My mind, however, had other plans and refused to let me actually sleep. I kept getting awakened by thoughts of the stack of overtime sitting on my living room floor, Ramona and Mack waiting for me to play with them, logging on to the crack that is Facebook, and finishing writing my submission for the Daddy book.
Finally I dragged my butt out of bed, pulled on my bathrobe, and made my way into the living room. I sat down at the computer, checked my email, went on Facebook for a few minutes and then decided that I was too tired to keep sitting up. So I dragged myself to the couch, curled up in the corner, and dozed until noon.
When I forced myself to sit up again I couldn't believe how tired I still felt. It was a chore just to keep myself sitting upright (this may be the beginnings of me getting sick, which I really hope isn't the case), so I decided that the only way to wake up was to have a shower.
Bleary-eyed I stumbled down the hall, into the bathroom and out of my bathrobe. I was just about to turn to the shower to turn on the taps when I saw movement in the sink.
As I turned completely to get a better look I couldn't see anything at first, but once I leaned in a tiny bit I saw a huge spider crawling up the side of the sink!
Within half a second I'm screaming. Standing there naked, screaming at the sink, and then I remembered that the husband was in bed sleeping. I turned down the scream level enough that I hoped I wouldn't wake him, then pushed myself up against the bathroom wall to try to get away from the spider.
He was huge - about 2 inches across - and no, I am not exaggerating for once in my life.
So, as I'm screaming, my mind is thinking about my options in this situation. Do I scream loud enough to wake up the husband so that he will come to investigate and save me? Do I grab some toilet paper and attempt to squish the monster spider on my own? Do I politely wake the husband up and explain the situation to him? He might not be appreciative of me waking him up, but I know he would come and get rid of the monster for me, and laugh at me later. Do I pretend that I haven't been to the bathroom yet and hope that either the monster will go back down the drain, or that the husband will get up to pee and find him and take care of him on his own? Or, do I somehow get past the monster, into the safety of the apartment and find something much bigger and stronger to kill him with?
(While I'm thinking all of these thoughts I'm still screaming.)
I decide on the last option.
I whip open the bathroom door, run into the hallway (still screaming) run back to check if the monster is still in the sink - he is, so I keep screaming - run down the hall into the living room, see my camera sitting on the table, decide to run back and take a picture for a post, scream the whole time I'm leaning over the sink taking the picture, run back into the living room and begin searching for a murder weapon.
I scream while I select a particularly thick stack of flyers from the recycle bin, while I roll it into a deadly scroll of murderous Wal-mart and Home Depot savings, while I run back down the hall into the bathroom, and while I bash the shit out of the little cretin in the sink.
(For any of you that are pro-bug and feel I should have scooped the monster into a cup and released him into a field of daisies and butterflies...I'm sorry - my fear gets the better of me.)
So, I screamed that whole time, when I was sure he was dead I flipped up the deadly scroll to look at the underside, screamed when I was certain that he was, in fact, dead, and then screamed as I ran back down the hall and threw the entire mess into a garbage bag.
After several minutes of violent shuddering and little baby screams still escaping my lips, I managed to force myself back into the bathroom for my shower.
I'm a little worried about tonight, when the husband will be at work and I will be left alone to fend off any other monster-like creatures.
Wish me luck.