Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Because I'm Smooth Like That

Most weekends Monica (the Bahama Mama) calls me from the Bahamas so we can chat and catch up on each others lives. Since we just saw each other at Christmas, we've opened up the gab floodgates, and she's actually called me about 3 times already since then.
It costs her something like 1 cent a minute to call, so either she calls me, or I call her to call me right back.
The only reason I ever know it's her calling is because the area code is 503 - but recently her number is coming up as a 204 area code, which is actually Manitoba's area code. So, now when this certain 204 number calls, I know it's her.
What you should know is that we never just answer the phone in a regular way. More often than not one of us is answering as a Chinese takeout place, a phone sex operator, a pimp, a dirty old chainsmoker...you know, all that fun stuff.
Sunday afternoon I was laying on the living room floor playing with Ellery, husband was cleaning the bathroom, and the phone rang. I jumped up, saw it was Monica's usual 204 number, smiled, and pressed "talk" on the phone...

Me: Yo Vanilla, what's up biotch?!?
Monica: Um...hello Ma'am, I'm looking for a Miss Alison M______?
Me: (laughing) Oh yeah? This is she.
Monica: Hello ma'am? This is Alison?
Me: (laughing) Yes, you jackass, this is Alison!
Monica: I'm sorry Ma'am - what happened? Why are you laughing?
Me: What? (laughing harder) Why are you being such an idiot? Mon, it's me!!!
Monica: (laughing)
Me: Helloooooo? (still laughing)
Monica: Yes Ma'am - I'm looking for Miss Alison M______.
Me: (laughing some more) Who is this?

- I had started to realize that this person's voice was sounding a little deep to really be Monica, so by now I was thinking she had some friends over and was just trying to make me believe it wasn't them calling -

Dude I thought was Monica: (laughing) Ma'am?

- I'm hysterically laughing at this point. Ellery is staring at me and husband has actually come out of the bathroom and is standing in the hall laughing at me -

Me: Seriously, who is this? (laughing so hard I'm barely coherent now) Just put Monica on!
Dude: This is Peter Stevenson (and yes, he actually told me his real name)...
Me: Oh really?!? Well hello Peter! How are you? Can I talk to Monica now? (I'm almost bawling at this point because this guy sounds so flustered)
Dude: Um Ma'am, I'm very sorry, but I'm looking for a Miss Alison M_____.
Me: (screaming in laughter)
Dude: Ma'am, has something happened? Why are you laughing? Ma'am, are you okay?

- He's sort of nervously laughing now, obviously unsure of just what the hell is going on, and wondering what he's missed out on -

Me: Monica!!! Put her on!
Dude: Are you alright? Has something happened to you?

- I can only imagine what I sounded like at this point, because I was laughing so hard that I was bent over holding my stomach, and just sort of shrieking into the phone -

Me: (suddenly realizing that maybe this wasn't one of Monica's friends) Wait - who is this?
Dude: Ma'am, I'm calling on behalf of LightRelief to talk to Miss Alison M_____ about her recent order of our product...
Me: (standing bolt upright and my mouth dropping open, because I really had just ordered one of their products online) Oh shit!! Seriously?!?!? Oh shit!!!
Dude: Ma'am?
And then I hung the phone up.

I stood there holding it in my hand for a moment and then the husband - who was still standing in the hallway looking at me - said "So was it Monica?"
And then I busted into a fit of giggles, feeling so bad for the guy I had just put through that crazy, messed up phone call. And when he called back 30 seconds later I was actually laying on the floor in the living room hysterical, and no way in hell did I answer it.

Because yeah, I'm smooth like that.

8 Comments:

Blogger Ali Kat said...

LMAO!!! I totally needed that read :D Thanks babe, and I'm glad I know the way you answer the phone, 'cause I've been thinking of calling you to go for coffee, so now I know what to expect ;)

8:18 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Yeah, I pretty much thought it was Monica disguising her voice. The best part was when you realized it wasn't her, and just hung up the phone. You should have picked up when he tried calling back 10 seconds later...

8:49 PM  
Blogger Chief Rock Chef said...

Fantastic! I love the way it took so long for you to realise that it wasn't her!

You nut!

4:29 AM  
Blogger tz said...

I am laughing so hard right now I'm crying...

so when i was in highschool I called a friend but didn't know I called the wrong number and argued w/ the guy on the other end that he had to be 'mike' my friend's older brother for like 10 minutes...it ended up w/ the guy asking me out, which I thought was creepy so said ah NO...thankgoodness it was before caller ID

9:44 AM  
Blogger Slyde said...

thats awesome! same thing happened to me once. i answered the phone because i thought i knew who it was, but i did it as a little baby voice.

when i found out about 30 seconds into the convo that it was someone else entirely, i hung up too!

9:58 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

Ali Kat - Glad I could help...and yes, I'll totally do the dirty pimp voice for you :)

Chris - I should have, and acted totally normal, that would have been great!

Rock Chef - Yeah, must have been blond that day :)

tz - Glad I could give you a laugh :)

Slyde - LOL, I would love to hear you sporting a baby voice!

9:33 PM  
Blogger Sitting in Silence said...

PMSl....Only you Ali...Only you !

Love it ! xoooooxooxoxox

1:48 AM  
Blogger Irene said...

*laughing* OMG- hilarious!

9:16 AM  

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