Because I'm Smooth Like That
It costs her something like 1 cent a minute to call, so either she calls me, or I call her to call me right back.
The only reason I ever know it's her calling is because the area code is 503 - but recently her number is coming up as a 204 area code, which is actually Manitoba's area code. So, now when this certain 204 number calls, I know it's her.
What you should know is that we never just answer the phone in a regular way. More often than not one of us is answering as a Chinese takeout place, a phone sex operator, a pimp, a dirty old chainsmoker...you know, all that fun stuff.
Sunday afternoon I was laying on the living room floor playing with Ellery, husband was cleaning the bathroom, and the phone rang. I jumped up, saw it was Monica's usual 204 number, smiled, and pressed "talk" on the phone...
Me: Yo Vanilla, what's up biotch?!?
Monica: Um...hello Ma'am, I'm looking for a Miss Alison M______?
Me: (laughing) Oh yeah? This is she.
Monica: Hello ma'am? This is Alison?
Me: (laughing) Yes, you jackass, this is Alison!
Monica: I'm sorry Ma'am - what happened? Why are you laughing?
Me: What? (laughing harder) Why are you being such an idiot? Mon, it's me!!!
Me: Helloooooo? (still laughing)
Monica: Yes Ma'am - I'm looking for Miss Alison M______.
Me: (laughing some more) Who is this?
- I had started to realize that this person's voice was sounding a little deep to really be Monica, so by now I was thinking she had some friends over and was just trying to make me believe it wasn't them calling -
Dude I thought was Monica: (laughing) Ma'am?
- I'm hysterically laughing at this point. Ellery is staring at me and husband has actually come out of the bathroom and is standing in the hall laughing at me -
Me: Seriously, who is this? (laughing so hard I'm barely coherent now) Just put Monica on!
Dude: This is Peter Stevenson (and yes, he actually told me his real name)...
Me: Oh really?!? Well hello Peter! How are you? Can I talk to Monica now? (I'm almost bawling at this point because this guy sounds so flustered)
Dude: Um Ma'am, I'm very sorry, but I'm looking for a Miss Alison M_____.
Me: (screaming in laughter)
Dude: Ma'am, has something happened? Why are you laughing? Ma'am, are you okay?
- He's sort of nervously laughing now, obviously unsure of just what the hell is going on, and wondering what he's missed out on -
Me: Monica!!! Put her on!
Dude: Are you alright? Has something happened to you?
- I can only imagine what I sounded like at this point, because I was laughing so hard that I was bent over holding my stomach, and just sort of shrieking into the phone -
Me: (suddenly realizing that maybe this wasn't one of Monica's friends) Wait - who is this?
Dude: Ma'am, I'm calling on behalf of LightRelief to talk to Miss Alison M_____ about her recent order of our product...
Me: (standing bolt upright and my mouth dropping open, because I really had just ordered one of their products online) Oh shit!! Seriously?!?!? Oh shit!!!
And then I hung the phone up.
I stood there holding it in my hand for a moment and then the husband - who was still standing in the hallway looking at me - said "So was it Monica?"
And then I busted into a fit of giggles, feeling so bad for the guy I had just put through that crazy, messed up phone call. And when he called back 30 seconds later I was actually laying on the floor in the living room hysterical, and no way in hell did I answer it.
Because yeah, I'm smooth like that.