Heartburn and Resignations

It's 2:13 am - surprise! I'm awake. My chest is burning with the worst case of heartburn my poor little body has ever had to experience and I think I may have just over-dosed on Tums. So after checking blogs, checking all my email accounts, looking at Facebook updates, peeing twice in half an hour, and realizing that I'd rather do my taxes than get horizontal again and encourage even more acid to travel up my already scorched throat, I decided to clear out some of my old files on the computer instead.

One of the things I came across was the letter below - a blog I used to read (that no longer exists) had posted one day that she was looking for the best resignation letter people could come up with, as the blogger was going to be resigning from a company she loathed.

After reading some of the ones people were posting I decided to write my own, which I ended up liking so much that I kept a copy of it. I've pasted it below, and though it's gross, it's exactly the kind of resignation I would love to have left in her situation, it still makes me laugh.

Dear Ms. Tightwad,

Effective immediately I will be terminating my working relationship here with Jacobs, Heche, Johnson, Turner, Wainwright, Lipshitz, Jensen, Tightwad, Roberts, Turnbull and Associates.

It has come to my attention that I do not, in fact, enjoy working here for such a bunch of hoity-toity, troll face cheapskates.

I apologize for not realizing this sooner so as to save you the uncomfortable and shocked silence when I tap-dance into your office buck-naked and staple this to your forehead.

I also apologize for my illogical behaviour upon realizing that in fact I hate you and everyone else who works here. If only I had realized sooner I may have been able to stop myself from vomiting into an empty coffee can and putting it somewhere in the duct work of the office. That isn't going to be pretty come the winter months and the heat pumping through the vents.

How uncouth of me as well to bring in my cat for company while you were all away on that cruise. He really can't do anything about his uncontrollable bowel movements. Poor thing, I think he might have actually gotten some excrement into the open box of Russell Stover Truffles on your desk.

I do apologize.

I have been offered a fantastic job (at a company with a far shorter name to repeat each time I answer the phone) where I'm sure my efforts to be the best-darn mail delivery girl this country has ever seen will be appreciated.

In closing I would like to say thank you for the opportunity and to inform you that I've sent that picture of you and the janitor making out at the last Christmas party to your husband, parents and priest.

Sincerely, Ali M.

P.S. I'm going to list you on my resume as a reference.

Bwahahahaha! See? Wouldn't you love to leave a letter like that at a job you really and truly hated, so long as it wouldn't ruin your chance of ever getting another job?

I encourage you to leave your resignation letter in my comments - who cares if it's ridiculously long? Or post it on your own blog. It's actually quite therapeutic to write out.